The Ultimate T.J. Kous

Open Email: Blog Post

2009-04-04T05:18:00.000-07:00

Aristotle Kousakis
to Papa, Anastasia, Katherine, Courtney

i used your words in a blog post. i decided in the spirit of Gossip Girl i wouldn't seek your permission.

all complaints can be sent to the ultimate t.j. kous

Open Thread: Change of Plans

2009-04-04T05:08:00.000-07:00

Aristotle Kousakis
to Papa, Mom, Anastasia, Katherine

4/23/08

Hello Fam, minus Peter (i'll get to that)

Pat and I are here in lovely Byron Bay NSW and the sun is out! We got here two days ago from Melbourne which was AWESOME! Loved it there.

Anyway, we're safe and Tommy arrives on Saturday which we're looking forward to terribly.

So, we were planning on going back to Nick's apartment after this, as he told us we could stay for the remainder of the trip, but he sent us a text message - yes a TEXT MESSAGE - to inform us that, in fact, his girlfriend will be moving into the place and us living there "mightn't be the best option." David and Virginia are graciously opening up their home to us, like they did for the week and a half before we left for Melbs. Although we really loved living there there doesn't seem to be a point in us going to live at someone else's parents house in the suburbs when we could both just be living at our own parents' houses in our own suburbs, so that's not really an option as far as we're concerned. And because we didn't budget for having accomodations for 6 weeks in Sydney we have decided to cut our trip short. It's not terrible for us, we feel like we had a really good run and a great trip, we were just hoping to have some quality time at Nick's for the last bit. We did buy tickets for a concert on May 11, and we have a week or so left at our yoga studio, so we're going to call Qantas and look into how much it costs to change our flights and see if there's a difference between dates like May 5th and May 12th. (This is where Peter comes in). If we happen to come home on the 12th, or even beforehand, i thought it might be nice to not tell him so it can be a bit of a birthday surprise (We tend to love sneaking up on each other don't we?).

Anyway, I am basically just peeved and a little hurt that Nick didn't have the decency to inform us of plans he's been making with his girlfriend for what seems like a significant period of time. I mean they must have known about this, or that it was a possibility, for at least a month, and we could have adjusted our plans to stay the whole time. Just strange, and put us in a bit of a tight spot.

So that's that. I will let you know as soon as things are more concrete. We just got this news last night, so it's still a bit of a shock.

Lots of Love and no words to peter!

Love,
Telly

Aristotle Kousakis
Forward to Courtney, Lauren

4/23/08

John P. Kousakis
to me, Mom, Anastasia, Katherine

4/23/08

Understood...and sorry about the misinformation from Nick. It happens...but not cool.

Despite the unfortunate nature of your trip being cut short, I'm happy you're coming home.

Peter will be thrilled, I'm sure, as will we all.

Be safe...travel safe.

Lots of love

Papa
xoxoxoxo

Courtney
to me

4/23/08

Kous man,

I am appaulled by this Behaviour. Nick Cobb salad is not one of the beautiful people afterall.

However, an opportunity presents itself. Girl wonder will be on the best coast starting may 21. It would be an honor to see your damn mug again.

I look forward of hearing your plans and possibly seeing you in the present.

Xo

Katherine Kousakis
to me, Papa, Mom, Anastasia

4/24/08

I'm so very happy for you but very sad for me. I want to come home...

Sorry nick was so lame. That's so not cool. I would be upset. But you've had a great time and coming home early isn't the worst thing.

Lovies

John P. Kousakis
to Katherine, me, Mom, Anastasia

4/24/08

Great advice KKo...As always, you're astute thinking shines through.

Loves xoxooxxo

Anastasia Kousakis
to John, Katherine, me, Mom

4/24/08

YOUR astute thinking! Sorry, I had to do it...

John P. Kousakis
to Anastasia, Katherine, me, Mom

4/24/08

STOP!!! Leave me alone...:-(

Anastasia Kousakis
to John, Katherine, me, Mom

4/24/08

You're not the only one - Telly made a similar mistake on my facebook wall! Don't feel bad.

Aristotle Kousakis
to Anastasia

4/24/08

i typoed on you're wall!!!??

Anastasia Kousakis
to me

4/25/08

you so funny

I Think I'm Lost: Deus Ex Machina

2009-01-18T22:30:00.000-08:00

I did something that I promised myself I wouldn’t do. I watched season one of LOST again. Well it was actually just one episode, and a damn good one at that. It’s the John Locke episode with the one and only Swoosie Kurtz as his fur clad estranged mother.

I noticed a few weeks ago that ABC has been playing season one at 1:30 late Saturday night/early Sunday mornings (I had just finished SNL). This week I decided I would treat myself to a bit of perspective and watch an old episode. The info on the cable told me it would be “Fire + Water” the episode where Charlie tries to drown baby Aaron. Turns out it was “Deus Ex Machina,” an entirely important episode in the lineage of LOST.

I had been against re-watching LOST since I began watching it. I wanted to rely on my memory (and, yes, lostpedia) to piece this mystery together. I didn’t want to delve into the past of the show for fear of it tainting with my perception of its present (ha!).

I forgot that LOST has always played with time. It constantly shines light on its characters from all angles of their existence and I forgot how mysteriously the past spoke to the present during the show’s first two seasons.

Turns out it’s a hell of a lot of fun to watch this show knowing (part of) its fate. It’s almost like watching the episodes from this side of the looking glass, where the past, present and future all dance around each other.

Right now I’m watching John Locke get swindled by Anthony Cooper aka Sawyer (who as we all know swindled the parents of our beloved James Ford aka Sawyer) and knowing the fate of this terrible and despicable man is so pleasing. And without realizing it the first time around, this dynamic between John and his father is still perfectly relevant in the grand scheme of the show; looking back on it did not make it seem superfluous, minuscule or unimportant. The flashback remains a valuable tool in the narrative.

The true joy of watching this early episode was its present. It has everything to do with what it was like a mere handful of days after these people crashed on the island. It was a really new time. I mean, Boone is there and Kate and Sawyer and Jack (who is relied upon constantly for medical advice) and Michael and Jin all live together and Sun has her garden and a thick Korean accent. I was filled with joy revisiting early life on the island. It’s pure nostalgia for the present.

This is the episode where Boone gets into the plane! (“Theresa falls up the stairs, Theresa falls down the stairs…”) Pivotal, really. His death not only marks the first departure of a regular cast member but also ushers in the birth of Aaron, who goes on to become quite a controversial character (hello, he’s part of the Island Dynasty). This is also where the show becomes dangerous in a way - the first time a character’s life is compromised by another’s.

This is also the EXACT episode I was watching (alone in the middle of the night on the couch at La Condesa) when I decided I needed to keep a journal. The journal ended up being mostly exclamations, quotations and questions rather than fully-formed thoughts. Here is the (short) entry for this episode:

Poor Boone, I don’t want him to go.
Who’s to say what’s right or wrong anymore? It depends on who you trust and what you’ve done.
“Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”
Boone… is this it?

I am personally shocked that I did not reference this episode's end in my LOST journal. What an ending!! After discovering he has lost the feeling in his newly reanimated legs, getting rudeboxed by his fake father and his REAL mother, coercing Boone deep into the jungle (only for Boone to get rudeboxed by a Nigerian priest’s drug plane falling off a cliff), dragging said Boone all the way back to camp with numb toes and shrapnel in his calf and then stealing away in the night, John Locke pounds on the eye-shaped hatch’s window. This is the first time we can see – the hatch is a giant eye, the window its pupil. He curses the island for misleading him, curses himself for believing things were getting better. Then the light goes on. Have all his prayers been answered? Is he on the right path? Was Boone’s accident in vain? And what the fuck is this light?!...LOST

Like, Really Designer Sunglasses

2009-01-18T02:39:00.000-08:00

"Just like high definition revolutionized TV, HD lenses enhance your vision and produce unsurpassed clarity and optical definition and when you see the color and clarity you will truly be amazed!"

Open Text to Patrick Conn: Biggest Loser

2009-01-14T15:09:00.000-08:00

Was in awe of what can only be called an Official Trainer Bob Meltdown on last night's Biggest Loser. I've never seen our boy like this. It's bigger than when we discovered that he's the mean one on BL:Australia

Open Text to Katie Clark: Melrose II

2009-01-05T18:41:00.000-08:00

It's getting truly crazy. I think Alison may have been raped by her father! Everybody hates Sydney (which is sad) because she is ACTUALLY clinically insane and is now running the high class hooker biz while the bosslady is in the slammer! And Kimberly's is just waiting in the wings to rudebox them all!! I'm going to send you the box set when I'm done, but only if you promise to watch.

Open Text to Katie Clark: Melrose

2008-12-27T11:58:00.001-08:00

I don't know when it happened but Melrose is officially nuts! Remember Jo's reunion buddy? Well, he stole Jo, Jake and Amanda's money, kidnapped Jo and locked her in the storage box on his boat that he uses to traffic drugs into Mexico for TWO DAYS. Jo rudeboxed him with a shotgun shot to the gut. And that was just over two episodes!!

I miss you.

Merry Xmas

2008-12-25T11:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,

I hope this finds you warm and snuggly, with all the ones you love. Enjoy the day and have some fun.

Much love,
The Ultimate T.J. Kous

PS. What did Santa bring you?? My parents took me to the next level by getting me my very first Tom Ford. It's a bottle of cologne, and I love it!!

The Chinese Roger Lodge

2008-12-11T23:40:00.000-08:00

My old pal at Room 907 has found himself at a crossroads of sorts. The once and future ad man may be taking a hiatus from the biz for a stint in the entertainment industry. Blessed with good looks and natural charm 907 has rightfully boasted his charismatic abilities in front of the camera despite his lack of experience.

He came across this ad in the Shanghai City Weekend. Could it be a competition reality show or a will it be a Real World style sit-about? Will they ship him off to a strange island for some RW/RR-type stunt fare or will he be locked up Big Brother style with some crazy folks from anywhere in the Western World!?

Well not just one but two television opportunities fell upon the unemployed Canadian boy in China. The studio is looking for a young charming Western personality to host a new show featuring engaged Chinese couples with a desire to wed in exotic international locations. Who's going to lead them through these global nuptial adventures? You guessed it - Ol' PConnzo!

Kudos on these prospects P. I'm pulling for you!

Big Excitement

2008-12-03T01:04:00.000-08:00

Everyone's favorite multi-wived family is finally back - after over a year! Yesssssssss!

Tandi Iman Dupree

2008-11-13T01:10:00.000-08:00

Sometimes being Gayer-Than-Gay is the absolute best thing in the world! Shit gets super crazy around the 4 minute mark.

ps. Best entrance ever?! Methinks so!

Telly on Telly: Top Titles

2008-11-10T21:30:00.000-08:00

The Ultimate T.J. Kous has compiled for you his Top 11 picks for Best Opening Title Sequence. Enjoy!

11. Avatar: The Last Airbender

It's always best when an opening sequence can sum up the integral plot points for you so that you don't have to tell new viewers about it. It's great! You can just let the well-crafted words and artistry speak for themselves. Avatar is a perfect example of this. Also, the last line of this one gives me goosebumps every time!

10. The Girls Next Door

I remember this great scene in this Japanese movie I watched in college, Ikiru I think, where these drunken ladies were in the back of a taxi singing "Come On-a My House" in terribly broken English. I love that song, it's so classy. Add bobble-headed animation, exotic birds and Hugh Hefner and you've got yourself a title sequence.

9. Gossip Girl

So often simplicity is key. I love the little whispers that accompany this one. And of course one of the greatest catchphrases in contemporary television. xo xo.

8. Nip/Tuck

Many nights were spent in dark rooms watching what I think to be the most outrageous show in history. Although it's not a scary show watching Nip/Tuck in the dark is so undoubtedly haunting and I think it's because of this sequence. This song can keep you up at night.

7. Big Love

HBO's new signature show is definitely one of my top ten of all time. I've always loved how it was able to make something so abnormal and unfamiliar seem like the most honorable and normal way of living life. We can see that in the intro: you've got the Beach Boys, ice skating, laundry - all completely comprehensible and accessible (dare I say) "American" things. But then you mix in two too many ladies, the ice begins to crack, and in there amongst the sheets lines begin to blur, we can't really tell who's where and what's going on. But don't worry, we return to normalcy by the end....when they have family dinner on a tiny far-off planet in some unknown solar system....

6. Ugly Betty

This one always brings a smile to my face. The cheery, upbeat music, the simple concept. I love how it comes right at the end of the first act, too, right when they drop some sort of plot bomb. Also, to this day, I love how after seeing each part of it individually throughout the shuffle Betty's mug is still so surprising huge and ugly in the end. Gets me every time.

5. Melrose Place

Some have accused me of having a "1994 fetish." How can you blame me?! The hair! The clothes! The GUITAR RIFFS!! Hearing that first swanky chord of this number always takes me back to my childhood years, sitting down with my mom and my sisters to watch another one of their "adult programs." God bless the 1990s! (note: sorry for leaving out Amanda Woodward. this sequence is from before Heather Locklear's 6 year stint as a "special guest star.")

4. Neon Genesis Evangelion

Also a relic from my days studying Japanese culture this is perhaps one of the best songs I don't know the meaning of. At about the halfway point the imagery is powerful and fast moving. Try and see if you can figure out the plot of this short-lived anime series by just watching the credits. I bet you can't!

3. LOST

When it comes down to it, LOST is just scary. Horrifying, really. Some of you may know that I watched the entire first two seasons in a couple of nights. Sitting there, sleep deprived, not knowing when the last episode ended and this one began, the darkness would surround me and all I could see in the blackness was a distant word in white, eerily floating towards me momentarily coming into focus as the dissonant music swelled. At that moment, actively watching this title for what felt like the first time ever all I could think was, 'This is what it must feel like to go insane - you just float through the abyss as giant, abstract words drift past you.' Creepy.

2. The Golden Girls

Sometimes it's all about the music. Other times it's all about Bea Arthur biting her fist, Betty White being hurled into a closet, Rue McClanahan strutting in a night gown and eyemask and the beautiful Miami skyline. These are images I'll NEVER forget.

1. Six Feet Under

I think this speaks for itself. Utterly beautiful.

Well there you have it! My top 11 (I know, I just couldn't make any cuts!) Hope you enjoyed them. Did I leave any of your favorites out?? Be sure to let me know.

But first, before I go I want to share some honorable mentions. Here, dear reader, are my choices for the best NEW opening title sequences from this year's fall lineup:

True Blood

At first it seemed strange and a little alienating, but - oh boy - does this song ever grow on you! The whole sequence captures the desperate, underground nature of the show - I'm simultaneously disgusted and intrigued by these images. Just remember - God Hates Fangs!

Fringe

Again, this is a simple one, not too long, but the music is delightful and the concept speaks to the high school scientist of my past. Some might think it's hokey to be so explicit about the fringe science, with the floating words and all, but I like it. Every time I see it I get something new, and isn't that what it's all about when it comes to main titles?

Save The Date

2008-11-10T13:31:00.000-08:00

Who wants to come to my party???

OBAMARAMA!

2008-11-04T23:48:00.000-08:00

Times like these make me proud to be American!

Wynn

2008-10-26T03:06:00.000-07:00

My roommate Katie just returned from a fabulous weekend in Las Vegas. She was put up at the Wynn. I have been secretly in love with the idea of this place since I read an article about it in a Vanity Fair back in 2005. It's a veritable Xanadu! Katie got some schwag - namely a new ipod nano, already loaded with a welcome video AND a video tour narrated by Steve Wynn himself! I'm not kidding this is probably the best 16 minutes I've ever spent and not because it's a beautiful resort (it's a beautiful resort!) but because of the absurd soundbites! Wynn initially tells us of all the restaurants housed at Wynn Las Vegas:

"If you like to sit at the base of a hundred foot waterfall in a beautiful lagoon sipping cappucinno and other exotic coffees or homemade gelato or terrific salads we've got a spot for you"

Well DUH Mr. Wynn! Who DOESN'T like sitting at the base of a hundred foot waterfall with terrific salads?! I only eat terrific salads! And although I don't think I ever actually have eaten at the base of a waterfall, I don't think that's something you can't like.

While introducing us the the Shopping Esplanada Wynn briefly shares the narration with Manolo Blahnik himself:

"Shoes should be transform-ed... I'm very happy its the only store outside New York which would be our boutique which I thought, um I think is a great idea because after all Las Vegas is a Fantasy Town. I'm like an old-fashioned shoe maker, but I'm not a shoemaker, but, haha-I am like a shoe maker, do you know what I mean?"

And of course Wynn's favorite fashion designer contributed some praise of the mega-hotel:

"What better environment for the woman who dresses in Oscar de la Renta than the Wynn Hotel?"

I am going to try to get this video on the net. Words can't ACTUALLY describe this "transportive" video.

Serious kudos to you Mr. Wynn!

Somewhere In Cyber Space III

2008-10-23T15:42:00.000-07:00

via Future Chat:

Me: I think I might go as Chuck Bass for Halloween.
Courtney: Uhh...That may be the occasion we first make out

I Think I'm Lost: YES YES YES

2008-10-23T12:12:00.000-07:00

OMG!!! Check this out!

Telly on Telly: Mother Chucker

2008-10-22T00:52:00.001-07:00

Even though some might not like to admit it, Gossip Girl is one of the best shows airing on TV right now. And one of the best things about it is without a doubt the Dastardly Devil himself, Chuck Bass.

Came across I Am Chuck Bass a somewhat insightful look at Gossip Girl, a self proclaimed "Modern Man’s Guide". Although Girl is in the title and the clothes and hair are amazing, there's nothing shameful about a man loving the over-the-top drama that is the lives of these UESiders.

Chuck really reversed the game this week. No wonder the CW dropped this exciting promo the same week our boy reclaims the stage from "New Serena." After all, this week was titled after him...

Kudos, Young Bass!

Breathing Room

2008-10-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

I have been asked to officially join the team over at Room 907. Great lifestyle blog with little tidbits on fashion, fun, odds, ends, furniture and beautiful people. I'll be blogging over there pretty regularly so add it to your feeds (or whatever). It has a different tone than the Ultimate, so I am very excited about this prospect. See you out there!

Retrospect

2008-10-07T02:48:00.000-07:00

I noticed so recently that The Utimate T.J. Kous turned one year old this past Saturday! How special it feels to look back at the year in terms of these funny little entries. One of my favorite pieces of writing was my very first unofficial blog post, which manifested itself as a Facebook note predating the invention of this blog. Two very special friends and I embarked on a journey unlike any other and right now, in honour of a year gone by, in honour of the changing landscape of friendship, in honour of me and my birthday week, I would like to reshare with you that tale. Ladies and Gentlemen, the post that started them all...

High School Musical ACTUALLY Changed My Life!

When my dear friend Lauren's sister, Kristen invited me to go with her to Seattle to see High School Musical Live, along with her dear friend Alexa (who are, in reality, both dear friends of mine), I didn't think twice. As the day approached I neglected research on the show, and instead imagined what I was getting myself into. I thought, from what I heard of it, that I would be seeing a Disney quality stage production of the wildly successful TV movie starring, not the folks from the movie, but equally talented and good-looking young triple-threats. I was skeptical, but still pretty into it.

It's the day of the show. I talk to Kristen, just to make sure she and Alexa are on their way to my house so we can take off to Seattle from there. I take this opportunity to ask her what she thinks this show is going to be like. She agrees with me that it'll be a stage production of the movie, but also tells me something that makes me VERY happy: It's with the original cast!!

me: you mean we're going to SEE Sharpay?
her: yes
me: and Gabriella!?
her: Yes
me: and even Monique Coleman, who I have enjoyed watching on this season of Dancing with the Stars?!
her: YES, even Monique Coleman!
me: WOW! I can't believe I'm actually going to be in the same room as Zac Efron. Troy is my favorite!!
her: Oh....well, Troy's not actually going to be there. He couldn't make it. There'll be someone else.

Needless to say I was crushed. But I concentrated on the positive thoughts I was having, mainly about Sharpay. I also thought about whether minor characters like Miss Darbus and the fat pop-n-locker would make an appearance. I was happy.

Let's flash forward to our approach to the Key Arena. We didn't buy tickets online because of credit card issues, so opted to buy tickets at the BO.

us: What are the best available seats you have together?
BO lady: Right here in the second row.
us: 'scuse us? Second row? Like on the floor? In front of the stage? How much?
BO Lady: $ 60.
(the next best seats, much further away, were only $10 cheaper. We each share a glance with one another. Should we do this? Can we afford this? Did we travel all this way to sit in the nosebleeds?)
us: We'll take 'em!!

With the exception of actually high school musicals, college plays and shows at the aquarium, I have NEVER sat in the second row of anything. We were REALLY close. Maybe a total of ten feet from the edge of the stage.
"We're going to be able to see their faces," I said.
"They're going to be able to see OUR faces," Kristen so eloquently pointed out. What a thought!! There was a chance that Ashley Tisdale herself was going to see me and then possibly comment to one of her fellow perfomers, maybe Corbin, about the hairy twenty-something with the teenagers in the second row. Dreams were coming true.

Opening act: Her name's Jordan Pruitt. We saw her video play on the screens before the show. She covered "We Are Family" for the movie Air Buddies, the one about Air Bud's puppies who are all good at every sport. Fuck you, Disney.

She was ok though. Some weird song about popular girls at school and another about being a teenager. Basically, she didn't have enough good moves and she was only mediocre looking. I could've done without her.

Ok, so it's beginning! The curtain comes up to reveal a white stage, HUGE screen above it, and a curvy ramp up the back of the stage. There was no way this was a stage production of the movie. This shit was a full-blown, motherfuckin' CONCERT! Our new Troy comes out in silhouette, he's singing the movie's opening number. Gabriella, a sight in white, comes out, still in silhouette, to join her partner. Right when the song kicks it into the chorus white lights FLASH, fireworks ERUPT, music BLASTS, and the rest of the cast's principles come bursting from a staircase upstage. They were all singing! They were all dancing! They were all wearing eclectic and varied, yet well-made and beautiful costumes, exclusively in black, red and white! They were all real, right in front of me! This was truly the Start of Something New!

Ryan, aka Lucas, informed us of his MC status after the first number. I never really cared much for Ryan; he really just seemed to be a foil to the lovable yet sassy Sharpay. Let me tell you, folks, Lucas is a gem. Funny, quick, clever, cute and sharp, this guy made the perfect MC. He informed us that tonight we would be, of course, reviewing all the hits and favs from the show, and he also told us about something I did not expect: Solo Showcase performances by Ashley Tisdale, Vanessa Hudgens and Corbin Bleu, featuring singles from all their new albums. Let me remind you that all this was to be taking place only feet from my face!

The show was magical: Tisdale rocked the house, Vanessa had some great tracks and some beautiful hair, the dancers were spectacular (one even flirted with me and/or Kristen and threw us an inflatable basketball after Getcha Head In the Game), the new Troy was tolerable, and Monique even danced a latin ballroom number for us. And the COSTUMES!! They just kept getting better and better: many studded belts and plenty of color coordination, tattered dresses and chiffon. Shine! Sparkle! Glamour! Every single person except for the new Troy waved at us and Lucas even mouthed "Thanks, brother!" when I yelled "You Rock, Lucas." Confetti burst out of everywhere at the end. It was pure ecstacy!

And in conclusion, let me just admit something. I am sorta glad Zac Efron couldn't make it. I probably would have ended up screaming too much, distracting him or maybe even getting escorted from the arena. The show was already too overwhelming, I didn't want to go overboard.

Wildcats, everywhere
Wave your hands up in the air!
That's the way we do it
Let's get to it
Time to show the WORLD!

Can't wait for the sequel!!!

Telly on Telly: The List, Updated

2008-09-26T11:36:00.000-07:00

Some readers out there may remember my list of all-time favorite tv shows.

I believe it is now time to add a few more to the list, so take note!!

Mad Men
Cashmere Mafia
Jon & Kate Plus Eight
Chelsea Lately
Summer Heights High
Brothers & Sisters
The Biggest Loser
The Riches
The Girls Next Door
Melrose Place

Telly on Telly: The Beauty In Ugly

2008-09-26T09:25:00.000-07:00

Last night was the third season premiere of one of my favorite campy shows, Ugly Betty. Betty's back, and frankly better than ever. As many know they relocated the show to New York (where it is set, although the first two seasons were filmed in LA) and it really adds to the show. There's a lot to be said about shooting a show on location, and when that location happens to be New York City it can really add to a show's overall charm. And Ugly Betty has nothing but charm as it is, so a change like this really boosts the show's overall look and feel.

Mode has changed while Betty took off for her somewhat lesbianic journey across our great nation. An icy, barren, monochromatic world has replaced the the once bright and colorful Mode as the one and only Wilhelmina Slater has taken the reigns of the magazine, bumping Daniel (and his newly acquired French son, Daniel Jr., adorably deemed D.J.) downstairs to Meade Publications' very own answer to Maxim, Player Magazine, where they play air hockey in shorts and boo anyone who addresses them. It's nearly perfect, really, that Daniel is running the lad mag, given his penchant for booze 'n' bitches. But I do miss ogling Eric Mabius in all those impeccably fitting suits.

The thing I missed most about Ugly Betty during it's hiatus was not the sets or the costumes or delicious plot twists, but the characters. Every last one of them is hilariously written and so wonderfully embodied. From little gay-boy Justin (whose shining moment for me this week was when he shrieked in excitement when Betty informed the family of her decision to move into the city) to Betty's Scottish Jiminy Cricket Christina (who, lest we forget, is carrying Willie's baby, the next heir to the Meade empire) everyone brings something to the table. My favorites are naturally Amanda and Mark, but you all know Hilda's got a special place in my heart. I think it's because she's so trashy YET classy. You know the ultimate t.j. kous loves a little juxtaposition. And COACH! Mmm mmm, what a hottie!

Ugly Betty shined last night. The writing was sharp and quick as always, and the situations, which got a little far-fetched and, well, boring in the second season, are shaping up to be quite intriguing this time around. Will the Meade family band together and stop Wilhelmina in her tracks? Will Betty ignore her third life rule and start dating that über-cute (maybe too cute?) musicianboy from across the hall? And what about Lohan? How will she work in to all of this? What is the future of Mode, or Player for that matter? And what the hell is going to happen when the spawn of Satan herself finally comes to light?

Ugly Betty's all new, every Thursday at 8pm on ABC!

Telly on Telly: Fall Season Update

2008-09-17T10:48:00.000-07:00

Hello friends and fellow tele-philes! Just wanted to drop a quick update as last time we talked about the Fall lineup I had some catching up to do.

We'll start with 90210. Ok. So I have heard a lot of bad news about 90210. Everyone's telling me it sucks. I'm getting texts from K Skell telling me she's "so 9021Over it!". My brother hated it. My grrl Soph hated it. And basically everyone's talking shit. I don't know WHAT these kids have been watching but it couldn't possibly be the same three hours of 90210 I saw. This show was chock full of intensity and ridiculousness. There is no bone in my entire body that will ever take 90210 seriously and I think this is why I liked it so much. And HELLO, people! A cameo from none other than Kelly's BOOZED UP MOTHER!! Amazing. She was always my favorite character. She was so 90s chic, totally nouveau riche! I'll always picture her with her smart little power lesbian haircut, in a white Chanel suit, snorting lines at the Mother-Daughter Fashion show. Ugh, she was such a bitch to her daughter. And it's really nice to see that things have just gotten worse for that cow of a woman. Don't get me wrong, I really like her and I think she's great. Just what a messed up character! Kudos for bringing back Jackie Taylor-Silver! Oh! And that drug addict Adrianna is also going to be gold, I can tell!

On to Fringe. I had no idea that this show was going to deal so closely with some of my favorite things (telepathy, shared dreamscapes, cloudbusting, telekinesis) . I was also unaware that these things had already been grouped together and are called fringe science which is how the show gets its name. I really liked this show. I found it kept my attention for what seemed like hours (although it was only roughly 1.5 hours) and I wanted to know more. Just like with all JJ Abrams jobs, I was intrigued! That's the key word when it comes to programming like this: intrigue. What is the Pattern? Who is this crazy scientist man and why are his studies only now becoming relevant? How much power does Massive Dynamic actually have? What do they do? What is in the past? What's in the future? You know you've got a good show on your hands if the ultimate t.j. kous is yakking on about the future! I haven't watched this week's episodes of either of these shows yet, but I will be soaking them up this weekend.

Another little gem I came across while channel surfing: (in actuality I was commissioned to watch this show by Brendan Shea who called me at midnight on Thursday, laughing like a toddler and totally stoked about the ridiculousness that is) Glam God with Vivica A. Fox! Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the most extreme hour of reality television I have ever seen. I had heard about this show as a friend of a friend happens to be a contestant (Preston, for those of you keeping track) but I had no idea it would be so absurd. It's your basic reality competition format and the skill needed to succeed is styling. What's with the new wave of styling shows in TV? There's this one, then there's The Rachel Zoe Project (which I thought was magnificent in it's train-wreck like qualities and I love her gay's vanity specs!), and also the CW's coming out with something called Stylista (whatever). Anyway, it's nice to know that America is just getting queerer and queerer.

The reason Glam God was so good for me is not the terribly unflattering outfits Vivica wore, or even the intense fervor with which she delivered each of her lines. It wasn't the alcoholic contestant who "drink Jack Daniel's for breakfast" (I'm not kidding this guy was actually drunk the whole episode, and when they went out for a night on the town, which ended up actually being a challenge because they were styling Hollywood "it girls", he decided to let Jackie Blue come along [this is his drag queen persona who wore leopard print and a giant blond wig] and he fell and he stole the spotlight and he was a big old hot mess). The reason I loved this show was because it was so, so easy to see the seams. I could tell it was cheap and thrown together haphazardly. I could see why it was difficult and also why it wasn't even really a challenge at all. I saw the desperate nature of all the characters and the ebbing career of my girl Viv. It's on Thursdays on VH1. Watch it. You won't be sorry.

Candy Most Dandy

2008-09-12T15:56:00.000-07:00

I was just at Michael's buying some new paper (I make greeting cards, for those of you who don't know) and what was staring me down, literally making my mouth water, in the checkout aisle but my favorite little seasonal treat ever! It's finally that time of year. Ladies and gentlemen, it's CANDY CORN TIME!!!

Every time the Fall rolls around I have so much to look forward to: new TV, my birthday(!) and of course, candy corn.

Once it was Summer and I was mad craving it so badly that I even bought something Star Market called "Patriot Corn." It was red, white and blue and completely embarrassing. I hid it in the back of the pantry so no one would know.

So I'm standing in the checkout aisle thinking:
Don't do it Telly, think of your fitness.
But if I just buy a bag then I can have a stash for a while
You know you'll blow through that shit in two days, remember the Patriot Corn incident? You'll just make yourself sick.
But it's so waxy and delicious.
What would Natalia do? Wait until at least your birthday.
Ok I won't buy the corn.

I walked out with an 11 oz. bag and I won't stop chomping on these sweet little morsels until I get that lovely headache I so associate with the changing of the seasons.

Happy Autumn, friends!

"Looking Forward To Saturday"

2008-09-12T06:39:00.000-07:00

olive juice swimming
in a chilly cone-shaped pool
with vodka, or gin

Found this little doozy of a haiku as I was late night (early morning?) creeping. If it was me, I would change it to Sunday as I can't think of a more appropriate drink to tote around while attending, with a small group of young well-to-dos, my first burlesque show!

Jealous??

PS. Vodka?! NOT an option...

Telly on Telly: Fall Season

2008-09-10T01:25:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh, welcome back, readers. It's the ultimate t.j. kous's favorite time of year! New Fall Seasons are just the best! Old returning favorites, new returning favorites and brand spanking new programming. Ok, let's break this down.

What I have watched:
I have caught up on all my Gossip Girl. Like, ALL. In the last week I have watched all of it. Every episode. And these seaon two eps! Well, where does one start? It was a seamless break and I am so looking forward to what GG has to give. As the narrator herself proclaimed "[we] ain't seen nothing yet!" Amazing.

Other than that I've been watching Jon & Kate Plus Eight, which is just the best little reality show ever. I tell ya, those kids crack me up, every time, I just want to squeeze their cute little face! And Kate and Jon, well there's a great study of human interaction. Sheesh, she's a bitch. But i do love her. A lot!

Caught the VMAs (whatever)

Entourage was delightful and as narratively vacuous as ever. They all looked great, the ladies were there (and topless as always), the scenery was top notch. You know, it's Entourage.

I love love LOVED! True Blood. What a great show, just what I needed really. I love vampires (like, i want to legit BE one) and after having given myself literary blueballs with Twilight, it was nice to see some vampires fucking! Mmm mmm! I was also very impressed with how they handled the telepathy, which to me seemed to have the most bombing potential when it came to the show's plot devices. I will definitely be back for more!

Now, what I haven't watched, but anticipate:
90210 is sitting, waiting on my DVR, THREE HOURS OF IT! I just don't know what to do. I hear bad things, everyone's telling me it sucks, and I don't like that. I actually did hear tonight (from an unexpected source) that it was great and I will love it. You know what? It will be great and I WILL love it! You know why? Because I'm going to choose to! Anything that has Jennie Garth, the return of Brenda, Lucille Bluth AND Aunt Becky PLUS an entire cast of new young hotties can't be all bad. It's just not possible. I have a lot of patience for 90210.

Fringe is also on my DVR. Not so in a rush to watch this one as I imagine it will have to mature a little before I can really sink my teeth into it. But I am very excited!!

I am very very looking forward to the returns of Ugly Betty, The Office, Old Christine, Little BRITAIN (in USA form this time, which is going to just be so effing special!) and I'm even more looking forward to the new version of Kath & Kim! Granted I've never seen the Aussie version, but I can just see really good things for this show. Selma Blair is a really gifted comedian and I so enjoy her in comedic roles. And there's nothing I need to say or even think to prove the comic worth and value of Molly Shannon! (What's the difference between worth and value anyway??) She's a singular sensation. It should be great.

So, until the winter, when my one and only returns, I have plenty of shit to watch on the tube.

What are YOU going to be watching??

Orientation

2008-08-14T16:13:00.000-07:00

My frequently mentioned traveling buddy and all-around great guy Patrick will be leaving North America (yet again) on Saturday to embark on a journey to, as he consistently calls it, the Orient. He's going to school and work in Shanghai! He'll be joining capitalist fat-cat Hin Ka "Tommy" Wong and Travis Black, another white boy from Canada, on an adventure that will surely be one for the books.

Actually it'll be one for the blogs. Pat has started Room 907 which will chronicle his journey through the Far East by means of clothes, trends, buildings, pictures, food and, I'm assuming, general good times. Keep your eyes on Room 907, he's keeping up a good pace and is bound to have a huge following in no time.

There's only one thing I can think of to say to you, Patrick, on the eve of your next life chapter:

Kudos! Kudos to you!

Mmm Mmm Mmmraz

2008-08-13T23:52:00.000-07:00

Jason Mraz came into my life almost 9 years ago! It's strange to think I've been a fan of someone so long and that he can still seem so fresh and unknown in an industry where he's clearly seasoned. I just love his lyrics - they're so biting and intricate. And his VOICE! Oh god, it's like hearing an angel! Seeing him live was truly a treat.

His studio albums have always been pale in comparison to his live performances, but they still superbly showcase his talent. And what a talent!

His most recent album, We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things. came out only a couple months ago and I just love it. It's far more mature than his previous two and it's great because his right-hand man and awesomely wonderful back-up singer/companion Toca is FINALLY in the studio with him!

I was investigating the album and reconnecting with Mraz via the interweb (I tend to go through phases where I just forget about him completely, helped by his apparent hiatus following his second album) when I stumbled up this insanely sexy picture:

I was shocked. He's always been sexy, but he's NEVER looked this good. He was so lean his muscles were much more prominent! And in little black briefs?! He was toying with me. It wasn't until I read the caption that I realized he was holding a giant KNIFE! Yikes! What's going on here?

After further investigation I found out that when the aforementioned Toca was diagnosed with diabetes Mraz and he decided to become, what else? Aspiring Raw Foodists! What a coincidence, right around the time that my own back-up singer/companion Patrick introduced me to the raw food lifestyle Jason and Toca were going green too!

I have to admit it: I instantly fell back in love with Jason Mraz. And the little black briefs did not hurt his cause!

Somewhere In Cyber Space II

2008-07-30T12:50:00.000-07:00

Matthew M:

do you think it would be weird to replace when someone calls someone a bitch with calling them a "bea arthur", as sometimes people just shorten it to B?

Christmas Comes Early

2008-07-25T17:21:00.000-07:00

Along with all the people I already know, another familiar figure just joined the list of people I share a birthday with!

Rio de Janiero’s Christ the Redeemer was both dedicated and consecrated on my birthday. And you all thought his birthday was December 25th!

Also, thanks to the fabulous folks at Wikipedia (ready to get pomo?) I was also made aware of the fact that my Birthday Jesus Statue is one of the New Seven Wonders of the World. You may notice that an honorary mention goes to the Giza Pyramids for being the only ancient wonder still…being wonderful.

Who makes these lists anyway? Who decides what’s officially wonderful? I watched The History Boys last week and this reminds me of that. Actually everything has been reminding me of it. It was one of those cinematic experiences that really stays with you, almost hauntingly, where the film, the characters, the words, the whole world of it plague your mind, keeping you up at night. Not only was this movie chock full of cute boys (and totally Queer to boot) but it also very pointedly raises questions about the origins of events and the happenings of the world. Watch it.

I digress… Good to know that every time I age a year I will now think of the New Holy Trinity: Jesus, soapstone and Gisele Bündchen. Not that I don’t already think of Gisele.

Questionnaire

2008-07-15T11:30:00.000-07:00

I have this ritual each month when my Vanity Fair comes: I sit down, my gaze lingers on the cover for a moment and then I crack it open. And without reading anything more than a caption I make my way, page by page, through the entire issue. As Cher Horowitz would say, I do a lap before committing to a location. When I finally get to the end I allow myself to begin reading. I make the Proust Questionnaire, the last thing in the magazine, the first thing I read. I've always enjoyed reading these smart little answers from people I sometimes don't even know. And I always find that something will give a new perspective on life or family or on the celebrity being asked. Some of my faves from recent issues are Julie Andrews naming chastity as the most overrated virtue (Sweet Maria!) and Bette Midler exclaiming "Who needs an occasion [to lie]?" For a while I've wanted to do something with these questions, if only just ask a bunch of my friends and see how their answers compare to one another. Luckily they answered and I've pieced this little wonder together. Enjoy!

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A full plate of delicious
Good Food
Shrimp
Inner peace.
Good Drinks
white wine
BEING FINANCIALLY SECURE
the occasional dance party
Beautiful People
mixed in with some mindfulness/political/philosophical debate
and two ladies

What is your greatest fear?
Ottawa
That I'll know what's mine to do
Failure.
and I won't do it.
Falling
Losing my parents.
Dying in an airplane crash.
Or possibly success.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
A tie: my independence & my bad posture.
I'm lazy
NOT BEING ABLE TO LET THE SMALL THINGS GO.
Pride.
Judgment

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Lack of adventure
Lack of humor
Poor taste
Pretentiousness.
Judgment

What is your current state of mind?
Forgetful and uncertain.
Anxious
A little hectic, a little crazy
Ambivalent
Joyful, energized, curious.
HOPEFUL
Relaxed
Maxed

What is your greatest extravagance?
Cabs
Books
Hortensia
BEING OBSESSED WITH CARS, AND WANTING TO BUY THEM.
My cameo ring from Italy, clothes and music.
Nice Dreams
Dining out

On what occasion do you lie?
Special occasions
When a telemarketer calls
Whenever I have to.
When I'll hurt a person unnecessarily.
WHEN I'M JOKING AROUND.
To get out of trouble
To save my ass
Formerly, to extend "last call"

What is your favorite name?
Aristotle!
JACKSON
Shulamith.
Telly
Zapfino
Zosia

In your opinion what is the most overrated virtue?
Patience
Temperance
Piety.
Self-sacrifice

Which living person do you most despise?
Star Jones
Tila Tequila
Osama Bin Laden for taking away the ability to smile in your passport photo.

Which living person do you most admire?
Natalia Rose
Tilda Swinton
Alfred Hitchcock (his work is definitely still alive)
Bonnie Raitt
Barack Obama
Rafe Esquith.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Audacity
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Compassion
Man?
Fitness
Woman?
Wealth
Man?
Vulnerability
Woman?
Courage to speak her truth.
Man?
SENSITIVITY AND UNDERSTANDING.
Woman?
BALANCE OF NATURE
Man?
Wit
Woman?
Lack of concern for what others think.
Man?
Organization and sense of humor
Woman?
Sensitivity, zest for knowledge
Man?
Men cry less easily than women.
Woman?
Sincerity.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Good Lord, Like, Literally Fuck and Fuck, Like..
DOOD GUY, Like, Mercy.
Do you know what I mean?
Kudos
I know, right?

Which talent would you most like to have?
Artistic
I'd like to be able to
Run really far just for fun.
Create fire
Ball like Kobe
PLAY A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT.
Throw a toothpick through a plate-glass window
A soaring singing voice.

Where would you like to live?
Bora Bora
Paris, London, San Francisco.
In a pink Queen Anne Victorian house with a stupendous turret on the top of a hill in a medium-sized town.
WHERE I LIVE NOW...LOS ANGELES.
A completely green cottage off highway 1 in Northern California.
Dublin
Shanghai
Vancouver
New York City
Closer to my family.

How would you like to die?
At high speeds
Laughing, dreaming, in my sleep.
I would drive a Maserati 140mph down Wilshire Blvd, crash through the Virgin Mary statue at the bluffs overlooking the ocean, explode into a fiery inferno of soaring sports car, then tumble to the PCH.
By choice
I would love to make it to 110 or something crazy, live through disease and all that, and then get hit by a bus.

What is your favorite occupation?
Living
ARTIST, ALL TYPES, surgeons and ER doctors
and
student
Cat
breathing
Writing.
A touring musician with a classic act

What do you most value in your friends?
Unfaltering understanding
LoYAlty, honesty, and compassion
damn funny
Acceptance of spirit.
Their ability to hang in there.
Their differences
...oh and good looking

Who are your favorite writers?
This question is hard. But I'll try... Kerouac, Thompson, Ludlum, Buffet, Hans Christian Andersen, Bret Easton Ellis, Mark Twain, F. SCOTT FitzGERALD, Ian McEwan, Charles Dickens, Hideaki Anno, Joanne Harris, Dorothy Gilman, Diana Gabaldon, Donna Henes, Trebbe Johnson, HEMINGWAY, WALLY LAMB, Steinbeck, Austen, Eckhart Tolle, Douglas Coupland, John Raulston Saul, Garrison Keillor, Dan Savage, Elizabeth McCracken, Joan Didion, Andre Dubus, JD Salinger, Walt Whitman.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Jason Bourne
Winnie the Pooh
Sydney Carton, Shinji Ikari, Spike Spiege
GREAT GATSBY
Mrs. Weasley/Clarissa Dalloway
Atreyu!!!!
LYRA FUCKING BELACQUA
Batman.
Mary Poppins

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Abe Lincoln. Tall and skinny and worth about five dollars
Caligula
Mary Queen of Scots
Karl Marx
Nathan Hale
Mary Magdalene
Yvon Chouinard
JOHN F. KENNEDY

What is it that you most dislike?
People who let themselves go
DISHARMONY AND INJUSTICE
Despair
Alarm clocks
Cilantro
Rudeness on the subway

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
Boogie board
A good dog
Japanese
A cat.
A Polar Bear
Biologist
or snow owl
or a world leader
A cat.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My skin
My gut! I'm really skinny.
There are moments when I feel
Fluctuating weight
USUALLY MY HAIR
I'm a hairy Greek
like the pregnant man
I'M WAY TOO PARTICULAR

What do you consider to be the lowest depth of misery?
June 2007 until November or December of 2007
Feeling being completely alonely
Inability to love yourself and to accept love from those around you
Life without God, whatever God

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I haven't achieved it yet
Getting through two months of unemployment without borrowing money from my parents, MY FAMILY, My professional career so far
Becoming myself

What is your most treasured possession?
An old Indian painting
Blue butterfly necklace
My heart, My family, my mental faculties.
and my grandpa’s poetry and cigarette case

What is your motto?
It'll work out.
Always say Yes
Keep fit and have fun!!!
Life bends
An elegant simplicity.
Do your thing
FIND THE GOOD AND POSITIVE IN ALL HUMAN BEINGS.
Don't tell me what I can't do
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Um...

2008-07-12T01:01:00.000-07:00

Is Katy Perry's I Kissed A Girl the Umbrella of this summer? It's very catchy (I just heard it on SYTYCD) and it's everywhere isn't it? This isn't a statement. It's a sincere question. Have we found the summer hit of 2008?

What's A Jellicle Cat?!

2008-07-11T17:12:00.000-07:00

Any of you who know me know that I prefer felines to canines any day of the week. They're just so mystical and fascinating, and the fact that you don't have to constantly dote on them and pour attention 'pon them is truly magnificent.

Without turning into too much of a cat lady I would love to have a few cats once I own some property that they can roam on (trapping animals up in an apartment would not be settling for me).

Meet Sebastian, my orange cat (possibly to be named Owen, although I potentially like that name for a son and I don't want to have a conversation with my potential son about how he was named after one of my cats!):

Don't worry he won't be alone. This is his friend, companion and possible lover Luna (full name Bella Luna) , my beautiful, beautiful moon:

Luna is, yes, named after the Jason Mraz song but she is also (and possibly moreso) named after Luna, the cat from Sailor Moon (mine is white, Serena's was black, whatever).

I also just noticed that they are colored after Dutchess and Thomas O'Malley from The Aristocats. I do not think this is an accident. Sebastian will be streetwise and suave, Luna will be posh and sound like Eva Gabor.

If they get lonely I may get a Magical Mr. Mistoffelees type tuxedo-cat and name him Tyler. He will remain a kitten forever.

Give It Up For Love

2008-06-24T11:42:00.000-07:00

I'll be the first to admit that I do not love my father's shows (for those of you who don't know he's a television producer). I mean, The Commish was great, but I think I was just too young to really connect with it, the Millennium pilot freaked me out and made me cry, so needless to say I ignored the rest of the series, The Twilight Zone was just plain bad and Night Stalker was way too esoteric for me (Besides, Gabrielle Union has been going downhill since Bring It On).

There are exceptions, of course: I loved Strange Luck very intensely and I want it back, mainly because it fed my insatiable appetite for mystery and perhaps formed my love/hate relationship with that elusive bitch coincidence. Then there was Wolf Lake, which was way too insane for it's own good. Hello? An entire Pacific Northwest village of ACTUAL werewolves?! Yes, please! It's a damn shame it got canceled, let me tell you. Ugh, and a brilliant cast headed by Lou Diamond Philips!

Well, good news for Papa, I can add another show to the latter list. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present Swingtown! Two parts The Ice Storm, one part The Wonder Years, half a shot of autobiography, add six amazing actors (dressed in mind-blowing garb), shake well and serve totally chilled.

As the name implies the show is about, simply, swinging. Meet Susan and Bruce Miller (Deadwood's Molly Parker and Peter Smith-Kingsley himself Jack Davenport) a married couple who break into the swinging scene in a Chicago suburb in the summer of 1976. Lana Parrilla (the chick from the underwater station on LOST) and Grant Show (omg, Melrose, much?) play the Deckers, little devils sitting on the right shoulder of the Millers, urging them further and further into their sexy wife-swapping world. On the left shoulder sit Janet and Roger Thompson, old friends from the old neighborhood stuck in their old ways. Watch as Bruce and Susan feel their way through this strange and morally dynamic world of orgies, quaaludes and the best soundtrack you've heard in years!

Without taking itself too seriously Swingtown deeply explores the importance and relevance of relationships in a time that is not too unlike our own. Political unrest, sexual revolution, pop-culture booms: all still happening in this advanced new millennium. The writing is quick and witty, while still maintaining a thoughtful if not leisurely pace. And the quality of the production is superb, with a staff lead by Alan Poul, of Six Feet Under fame, Mike Kelley, who lends his own personal experience to the show's narrative, and of course, my dad!

I understand that I may be biased, given that the show employs both my father and myself (yup, you're lookin' at the post production assistant himself!), but I liked this show a lot even before I worked on it. And I love it now that I do. It sucks, yes, that I have access to scripts, dailies and full episodes all the way through to the finale (which will happen at the end of the summer, and is great!) but, despite the spoilers and seeing the same scenes over and over, the show still makes me laugh. And it makes me think. And I really feel for these characters. The six main actors weave so effortlessly in and around one another, it's so compelling! (Janet's my favorite! Miriam Shor is truly a talented lady. I knew it years ago when she played a dude in Hedwig). And take it from me, someone who KNOWS what's going to happen on this show: you don't want to miss it!

Three episodes have aired so far, but you can catch up online at the link above. Make sure you catch this week's episode; the show really picks up from here. Swingtown will be on all summer, Thursdays at 10PM on CBS.

Update: Swingtown's been moved to Fridays at 10PM

I Think I'm Lost: Oh My Oceanic Six!

2008-06-11T14:15:00.000-07:00

Every season has had it's overarching mysteries. Season 1 had the hatch door, Season Two had the discovery of the tail end and the discovery of the Others, Season Three had pregnancy issues, Charlie's prophesied death and what exact the Others are doing. Now, ladies and gentlemen, we have the Oceanic Six.

Six of our castaways have been rescued, but you have to wait to find out who! What a brilliant structure it was! We eventually find that Dr. Jack goes back to both spinal surgery and denial, Hurley goes nuts (but not really because he's just been to the island and you can't really blame him), Sayid's living up to his potential working as a globe-trotting assassin for "the good guys," Sun's halfway across the world from the other five and doing whatever the fuck she wants, because she's a woman scorned, and Kate was absolved of her heinous crimes, only to go on living a luxurious life with a fabulous wardrobe! Oh, and Aaron is her son.

Poor Kate. Yikes. Is she not wracked with guilt? "You're not even related to him!" Are we actually supposed to believe she likes playing Mommy?! Oh god, there's that horrific moment when the O6 get off the plane and everybody has their own special "Mommy Moment" (even Sayid gets a smooch from Hurley's mom) and then there's Kate, just looking around seemingly terrified, overwhelmed and, yes, lost, having her own little "Mommy Moment!" It must haunt her. I mean, it does. When you got Others waking you up and then calling you in the middle of the night to distract you so that Claire can sneak in for a peek of her own baby and then you run in wielding a gun and screaming at her to not touch her own freaking baby that YOU helped deliver, you're being haunted! Sheesh, Future Kate! Get it together. She's clearly ready to get back to the island, otherwise the apparition wouldn't have told her not to bring him. Something about the way she said it. "Bring" somehow implies that Kate's resolved to go back to the island.

I dunno. Maybe it wasn't an apparition at all. Maybe it was actually Claire. Is Claire even dead? People have expressed this thought to me, and I'll admit it, I was 3/4 of the way to coming to terms with her death after Keamy and his team shot a rocket into her new 2 bedroom - 2.5 bath rancher in "New Otherton," BUT I believe her to be alive and safe and well but changed. Claire somehow must have easily given into the idea of the bloodline when Christian/her dad/"Jacob" told her whatever he had to tell her about the Shephard lineage.

Jack is meant to be on this island. Everyone knows it but him and he keeps making mistakes, on and off the island, present and future, all of this is clear. The brilliant move was presumably made by Jack's father and his (half)sister who left his little old nephew in the woods, so that the baby would be found by Sawyer and protected by Sun and ultimately raised by Kate (and Jack), as Kate's. This child must weigh heavily on Jack's mind, now that he is burdened with the knowledge of his relation the child. This child, the next heir to the Shephard Island Dynasty, becomes a huge catalyst for Future Jack's lament. That and the fact that Kate's still sharing part of herself with the idea of Sawyer. Geez Dr. Jack, get over yourself. (i just remembered when my friend dave told me he had a dream where dr. jack literally stabbed him in the back. typical...)

Selfless Sawyer emerged as a really pleasant component of this season. All season he's been filled with compassion, care, thoughtfulness. propositioning Kate, carrying Claire out of burning buildings, attending so tenderly to Hugo. The man jumped out of a flying helicopter into the middle of nowhere in the South Pacific for the sake of his fellow man!! Thankfully he got back to the island (all shirtless and dripping, out of breath and dashing as ever). Methinks he and Lady Juliet shall be quite the formidable duo.

Sun's alliance with Widmore will undoubtedly weigh heavily on the fate of the Oceanic Six and their return to the island. Seems Paik has been doing business with Widmore for some time and I wouldn't be surprised if Sun comes back with A LOT of power and a lot of vengeance. The woman is forced (by Kate) to carry this baby to the freighter, to protect him and when she finally gets a second to find her own husband, the father of her unborn baby, Kate (again) forces the baby upon her and confines her to the helicopter. Kate goes after Jin, but what happens? Oh, Dr. Jack swoops in to take her away and she bats her beautiful lashes and gets whisked away, maybe forgetting that she just PROMISED to get Jin. God, you'd think after being marooned with someone for two months you think they'll respect you enough to follow through! Ugh! No wonder she's pissed! The second of the "two people...responsible for his death" must be Kate.

What are these confrontations going to be like?? Kate and Jack, Hurley and Jack, Sun and Kate, Aaron and Jack! I feel like I'm in the first act of a Cheaters episode and I'm sizing up the craziness of the cheatee to see how buck wild it's going to get in the last ten minutes when she and Joey Greco storm a Dave & Busters to catch some trash with a fake ponytail and a blur over her face having dinner with her man when he said he was at the gym!

What are they even going to do, the O6? I assume Ben's rule of everyone coming back also applies to Walt? At least they found a way around the fact that the Future actors actually have aged three years. Oh and poor Jack, yet again he's going to have to drag a dead body back to the island. Maybe that means John Locke will be the next "Jacob." That would be cool.

Season 5 bodes well. I'm mainly curious about where exactly Daniel is, because last time we saw him he was on a dinky zodiac with a bunch of nameless extras. Maybe he'll find Jin. Strong points include Charlotte, the "terribly things" that happen on the island now that it's moved, the islands current "location," anything to do with the island and, of course, the wrangling of the O6! I'm hoping we don't leave Des and Penny for a long time. I like to see them in the fold. And it will be absolutely and undeniably unacceptable if they do not address the Life and Times of Danielle Rousseau! That woman deserves more than a bullet in the back and we all know it! She was a warrior and a survivor, a changed woman with a story to tell. She survived for 16 YEARS on the island ALONE! That was a seriously disappointing moment. Perhaps the biggest in the series for me.

But also some of the greatest Lost moments have been this season: Desmond's time loop, the discovery of Flight 815, the castaways finally achieving their goal of rescue, however tainted it may have been. And seriously, going into the future launched the enjoyment and storytelling of this series into the stratosphere! This is a television show with an actual timescape. It's unlike anything ever on television and they prove that now more than ever.

Kudos to you LOST!

Call Of The Wild

2008-06-11T12:57:00.000-07:00

Geez, when I was in Australia I thought the strangest things were the bird sounds. Never had I heard (or seen for that matter) such exotic sounds as part of the urban and suburban landscape. It was seriously insane.

Now that I'm mindful of it I've realized the birds also sound absolutely nuts here in Glendale too! I've spent the last hour with a bird outside my window. Wanna know what it's call sounds like? It's seemingly random, the bird never makes the same call twice! chuck chuck chuck, whi-stle whi-stle, twit twit twit twit twit, one after another, constantly changing tone and pitch, almost like they're imitating every noise they've ever heard in their lives. What could they possibly be saying?

I guess it's just all bird calls that are seriously insane, I just never noticed.

The Community

2008-04-05T05:42:00.000-07:00

While walking through the mountain town of Katoomba today Patrick and I came across a large group of people, dancing in a circle. It immediately struck me as strange. Not that they were dancing, but rather the fact that they were dancing in the parking lot of an abandoned gas station dressed like extras from Juniper Creek.

I was inclined to bring out the camera. We stopped. Looked.

"Hello, would you like one?" A young girl offered us a pile of what appeared to be newsletters.
"Sure, thanks." I never pass up free words.
"What's going on here?" Patrick always asks the conversation-driving questions, one of his many great qualities.
"We're just out, enjoying day. We all work here," she pointed to a cafe across the street, Common Ground.
Pat: You all work here? Do you all live in the entire building?
Her: Some of us live in the entire building. Others have homes nearby.

The whole time I'm leafing through the newsletter, trying to get a semblance of who they are, and occasionally looking up at the drab, home-sewn garments of the ladies. The dancing circle now has children, lots of children. A lady plays the recorder next to another who plays the violin. The men all have large smiles on their face, women and children at their sides.

Her: Where are you from?
Us: Canada
Her: Oh! There's a girl here from Canada.

She turns and hollers at a girl behind us. As the new girl approaches I can't help but notice how her dark hairline frames the beads of sweat on her forehead. She makes her way towards us with a tray of plastic cups, brimming with golden liquid.

Girl 1: They're from Canada
Girl 2: Wonderful. Would you like some punch?
Patrick: Sure. What's in it? (again, with the important questions)
Girl 2: Oh, I don't know....I didn't make it. (I swear her eyes glazed over and her head tilted to the side when she said it. I swear.)

We both took a cup. It actually tasted alright. Did I detect some tea? Hint of cinnamon?

Patrick: Where did you live in Canada?
Her: Nelson.
Pat: What brings you here?
Her: My heart.
Me: Well that's a good thing to follow!

Before making some "smooth" exit we asked their names.

Girl 1: Urthka
Girl 2: .....to be honest I didn't hear what she said because the first girl's name was URTHKA. Like Earth + Ka!! I don't even KNOW how to spell that!!!

Anyway, we got far enough away to dump the kool-aid (in the bush outside the police station) and opened up the newsletter. That first browse is like a weird dream in my memory. Flashing images and words:

"THERE ARE NO ATHEISTS IN THE IMPACT ZONE"
A Broken Butterfly, by Atarah
Our Master Yahshua
A Very Distinct Culture

I looked on the back cover. Addresses. Australia, Canada, Germany, England, Spain, France, Argentina, Brazil, United States. How did I not know about this Community?? I looked on the cover:

TWELVE TRIBES

I had my first real life conversation with a commune kid. Two of them, in fact. I was scared, but oddly fascinated. Their newsletter is....sloppy, at best, but a wonderful effort. They clearly dig their scene. After all, what's wrong with A Brand New Culture...?

Here are some interesting words from the Community. Here are more. And here.

I just want to say that I am NOT in any way saying that what these people are doing is wrong. Maybe it's right for them. I will not judge. I just think it's creepy and different.

I Think I'm Lost: The Constant

2008-03-09T19:53:00.000-07:00

There's just too much to say about this episode so I'll keep it simple:

1) I believe Daniel to be caught in a time loop also (he alluded to susceptibility due to exposure to radiation and he uses Des as a constant)

2) Penny + Desmond = Love!! They HAVE to get back together

3) I think Desmond was maybe just willing himself to remember Penny's phone number. As he approached the ship in the helicopter he knew he would need to contact her. Why did he specifically go back to a time when he KNEW he would get Penny's number? Was that his present self sending a message to his past self? Did the past actually happen? I think so. The reason he didn't remember it freely is possibly because of the hatch's implosion and also possibly because at that time in the past, he was possessed by his future self and therefore didn't register it in his present memory (his present memory being, of course, his memory at the time).

4) Ugh, this episode is just too confusing! It's hard to form coherent thoughts about it because it was just so terribly layered and textured. Kudos to you, LOST writing staff.

5) If there's anyone that should be with you when you forget who you are, when you are, where you are or what you're doing, it should ALWAYS be Sayid!

Pat and I are off LOST while we're in Aus, so be careful what you say! I'll have a season 4 recap up by mid June. Until then, stay LOST...

I Think I'm Lost: Eggtown

2008-03-09T19:52:00.002-07:00

One Miss Casey Collins tarnished my appreciation of this episode a bit. I will quote the wall post from her I received the day after this episode’s premiere. Keep in mind I had not watched it.

Aaron: stolen baby or in the hands of his rightful owner after the death of his mother?

You can imagine my horror when I read this. My mind was swarmed with confusing questions: Is Claire dead? Who stole Aaron? When does this happen, in the present or the future? Ugh. It was terrible, but I put it out of my mind until I watched the episode.

This is a great episode, as are all Kate-centric episodes. Think about it. They’re all wonderful. I think it’s because hers is the most conflicted of characters. I also think maximum Evangeline doesn’t hurt the cause.

I am not quick to judge in regards to Kate’s baby-stealing. I even think it’s a little hasty to call it stealing at this point. I did like that her character was literally put on trial this week, and we were forced to examine who she is. The answer, as I said before, is that she’s supremely conflicted. She’s selfish but she’s trustworthy. She loves Jack but she loves Sawyer. She’s a beautiful lady with a killer smile but she’s a fugitive. We know she is good, but Jack (and assumedly the Oceanic Six) need to lie in order to help her cause. Only time will tell why Kate has Aaron. All I know is it’s always great to see another episode about Kate and I’m glad to know they’ll be coming until the end.

I also really enjoyed Sawyer’s arch in this episode. I love that he desires domesticity so much, that he really started showing his love for Kate. He wants to protect her. He wants to love her. And given the turmoil that’s currently going down on the island it’s really refreshing to see LOST go back to its roots in human yearning and a desire to feel accepted.

Something that came up in The Economist was addressed quite poignantly in this episode: Ben’s “occupation.” We know the Frieghter Folk are after him, we saw his special room and all of his passports, we know he has Sayid doing his bidding in the future. Then Miles expresses my confusion so concisely:

“Don’t talk to me like I’m one of them, like I don’t know who you are or what you can do.”

The thing with Ben is that he’s always been impossible to trust. He says he’s a good guy, but he does seemingly bad things. It’s like Juliet says: “Ben’s a liar. Or the people on that boat intend to do us harm.” Ben is quickly becoming a main player in this game. I still think he’s only a regional manager, though, and all I want to know is who the CEO is.

I Think I'm Lost: The Economist

2008-03-09T19:52:00.001-07:00

If I hadn’t ruined it for myself (damn you, lostpedia!!) I would have been surprised to find out Sayid was the fourth member of the Oceanic Six. But when I think about it I’ve always known he would be one of the few to get off the island. And he’s definitely my top choice for people I’d stick with if I were one of the castaways, so no surprise, really more like an affirmation. But still, there’s something inherently sad about him now. Just like Hurley before him, and Jack before them, I am deeply upset with the state of Sayid in the future. Whatever happens to make him side with Ben is yet another future mystery to add to the ever-growing pile. He seems trapped though. I feel like there must be a part of him that doesn’t want to be doing what he’s doing. I guess that was symbolized through his relationship with the lady he ended up killing. He’s a romantic. He always has been and he probably always will be. It is comforting to know he has a much better grasp on reality than either Future Jack or Future Hurley.

I love that he’s an assassin! Finally his brilliant and deft skills are being used to their full potential, trotting around the globe with gun in hand, eliminating threats to humanity. Now if someone could just teach him how NOT to have girl hair.

I Think I'm Lost: Confirmed Dead

2008-03-09T19:51:00.000-07:00

This was a fantastic episode in my mind, perhaps my favorite of the season so far. I just love that the creators of this show can so seamlessly integrate new characters. I LOVE Daniel Faraday! There are just no ifs ands or buts about it, frankly. Miles is going to need to grow on me, but I believe he may come in VERY handy given the fact that he SPEAKS TO THE DEAD! Yessss! Charlotte is totally the new Juliet and I love that she is responsible for the greatest LOST mind-fuck since Libby in the mental hospital: The Tunisian Polar Bear! What a brilliant addition to the cast and the story. Frank, I like. I don’t yet love, but I feel like he’s almost one of us, given that he was meant to be on Flight 815. He’s sort of comforting in that sense.

Speaking of which, the discovery of this flight in the ocean is really just a nightmare for me, the last thing I wanted or needed as a viewer who thinks he has a relatively good idea about what’s going on. UGH! WHAT IS HAPPENING!?! All I can say is whoever has the power and means to plant an entire plane and hundreds of dead bodies in the ocean and get away with it is just too powerful for me to even comprehend. Confirmed Dead is a true milestone for LOST: it proves we’re playing a whole new ball game!

I Think I'm Lost: Update

2008-03-09T19:49:00.000-07:00

As many of you know after watching the LOST season 4 premiere I refrained from viewing week-to-week so that Patrick, Katie and I could sit and watch the first 5 episodes of the season without interruption (except for the occasional break for Dry soda and visits with Mr. Dobbington Price III). Let me tell you, I have not experienced the uninterrupted view for about a year and a half, when I watched the first two seasons on DVD. I was in physical pain by the end of it. This is the ONLY way to watch LOST!! No waiting, no “next week on…”, no days upon days of conjecture and wondering. It brought me back to the times when LOST seemed endless and perpetually significant. We’ve obviously decided to wait until our return from Australia (pending we even make it back through the South Pacific [I think we’re both secretly hoping for a crash on a deserted island]). Ok enough of this, on to my thoughts.

PS. Sorry it's taken me so long to get these up. Wi-fi's hard to come by Down Under.

Bon Voyage

2008-03-03T15:59:00.001-08:00

I bid North America adieu tonight as I embark on a whirlwind journey to Australia with Patrick as my traveling companion.

A couple points before I leave: I have watched LOST but I am still brewing and will post my thoughts on the last four episodes as soon as I can. (If you think about my impending trip in terms of LOST I will be flying to and from Australia!)

Pat and I have decided to blog our trip, so I'll put a link on the side here and you can check in on everything we're up to over there. I'll still keep the Ultimate alive though, so don't worry.

Other than that, wish me luck and send some positive energy my way!

And if our plane mysteriously goes down on the way home.....don't come find us, we'll make it back.

Be My Guest: Brand New Heels

2008-03-03T15:42:00.000-08:00

The next installment of Be My Guest comes from young Alexa Roach. Along with music, our taste in television is terribly similar, so naturally we're both in love with ABC's Cashmere Mafia. Here are her two cents:

Brand New Heels

Who didn’t love Sex and the City? A show about four women juggling middle age and the single life in New York City. It’s brilliant! Carrie always succeeded in capturing me with her stories. I was never bored. And, most importantly, I built a strong desire to literally walk in her shoes. The show was often light-hearted, and even frivolous: great clothes, lots of sex, Cosmos. But at the same time it meant something. I mean, is it just me or did Carrie’s words at the end of each show always stay with you hours after the episode ended? If Darren Star did one thing throughout the show’s series, he proved that Sex and the City is a TV Show that just works.

Now, Darren brings Cashmere Mafia to our small screens. Although some may see it as a mere cop-out (a lot of that frivolity) Cashmere Mafia should not be overlooked. Sure, the women in Cashmere Mafia only walk draped in designer labels and silky fabrics and enjoy fabulous lunches at divine restaurants to vent about their hectic lives as New York’s Upper Crust, but these four women are bold. They stand out from a crowd, and aren’t afraid to talk face-to-face with the enemy. These four women do not take no for an answer, and personally, a show about four fierce women that practically have the city of New York sitting in the palms of their hands sounds like a show that I want to take notes from.

After watching the first couple episodes I have come to these two conclusions:

1. I want to be a career-driven power woman.
2. I want great hair.

The reasoning behind my first conclusion comes from the aspect that greatly differentiates Cashmere Mafia from it predecessor Sex and The City: the careers. The women of Cashmere Mafia stand up against the leading men in all walks of business – from Wall Street to Bryant Park. They wear expensive clothes, live in great apartments, and exude the meaning of luxury, rightly so! They’ve climbed the ladder and paid their dues to be living the good life. And I quite enjoy seeing them constantly battle the setbacks of being a woman in a so-called Man’s World, examining the skills it takes to juggle ballet recitals and business trips. These women handle so much in one day, and they do it with a little sass and a lot of class.

However if there is one reason to watch the show – one reason only – watch it for the hair! I cannot even begin to explain how luscious and gorgeous their hair is! Maybe out of frustration with my own locks that never stay tame I notice it more, but you can’t deny that their hair is fantastic. And I think their hair defines the real beauty behind Cashmere Mafia.

I am sure that behind the scenes there stand a million stylists with combs and hairspray ready, and the reality of always having gorgeous hair may just not be plausible, but these characters make it look effortless, strutting down the streets of New York looking untouched, carefree, no split ends, no frizz, just smooth hair that curls at the bottom, bouncing with every step. They embody luxury, a trait I never seem to exhibit. The women of this show may not portray an average middle aged woman realistically, but they portray women the way women want to be portrayed: uncontrolled by men, successful, and always with hair to die for.

But their work ethic and beautiful hair aren’t really the deal breakers for me. I tend to feed off their ability to just down a shot and call it a day, cursing whatever new obstacles stand before them and embracing friendship.

This show probably affects me a little too much as, when the opening credits appear, I am already sitting in my fancy black dress, red lipstick and pouring myself some champagne, getting a little too caught up in The Art of Television. Suddenly, I realize I am sitting by myself, dressed up, raising my glass to the screen, alone, on a Wednesday night. I guess my days of good hair will just have to wait.

Conversations

2008-02-27T01:56:00.000-08:00

I wanted to give all of you out there an opportunity to get to know me a little better, see what makes me tick. That's why I invited my dear friend Matt McInnis to put me in the hot seat for an interview via instant message. If you ever want to sit down for some Conversations just let me know!

MM: Ok, first of all I'd like to say how honoured I am to be a part of your blog.

TK: Well it's truly an honor to have you

MM: Let’s just get this started: Describe Anderson Cooper in seven words.

TK: Does OMG count as one word or three??

MM: One

TK: “OMG Loves My Future Husband. Silver Fox!”
I mean have you SEEN him?!
I love it
And he’s a blue blood!

MM: I think that All-4-One should sing at the 2008 inauguration. And before Barack gives his pledge, he should begin with "I swear, by the moon and the stars in the sky...to uphold the constitution...etc etc" Do you think this would be good for America?

TK: Would what be good? All-4-One?
I think Barack is good
I think Hillz is good

MM: Duff or Clinton?

TK: Wait, is this a new, unrelated question? Like ‘who would I rather eff?’ or are you asking me to clarify? Because in both cases the answer is Duff.

MM: In both cases I respect your answer.

TK: Thank you.
I adore respect

MM: **********And now for the Lightning Round**********
Cargo Pants?

TK: Hate ‘em

MM: Miley Cyrus?

TK says: I love the idea of her

MM: Super 8 or Days Inn, for a good night’s rest?

TK: Days Inn, hands down. I've frequented the one in SeaTac. It's superb

MM: Doping in pro-sports?

TK: I want it

MM: Doping in College?

TK: I’m sorry I don't understand. Was that a question or an observation?

MM: Favorite Davis sister?

TK: Lot-Bot

MM: Favorite Olson Twin?

TK: Duh, Mary-Kate

MM: Zefron or the Tis? To have over for dinner.

TK: Oh God, NOW we're getting to the tough ones!
…Zac. Oh! But you know I love the Tis!
That’s it. I'm changing my answer to Tis.

MM: Let’s stick with the Disney theme: If you could have two unaffiliated Disney Characters over for dinner, who would you invite?

TK: I'm going to go with Prince Philip and Belle

MM: What would be on the menu?

TK: It would be primarily French, for Belle

MM: Lots of creams?

TK: No creams, that’s not fitness. Reductions for sure, though. Roasts. I'm seeing roasts.

MM: If you could create a spin off for a trio of Disney characters, all from different movies, who would they be, and what sort of shenanigans would we find them in?

TK: I’d really like to see Beast, Mary Poppins and Buzz Lightyear running an upscale hotel in Miami á la Blanche, Rose and Sophia in the Golden Girls’ spin-off The Golden Palace.

MM: Okay, let’s talk music: If you could have one musical artist from the 70s 80s or 90s serenade you for the rest of your life, and that was ALL the music you were allowed to listen to, who would it be? (NOTE: They are playing it live for you at your house or in your car. They can even sit in the front seat)

TK: This is a good one. A question: Do they only sing songs from their repertoire, or can I teach them to new songs?

MM: It is unfair to expect them to learn ALL the top 40 hits of the day, but they can learn a few covers. It’s a free world.

TK: A lot of artists come to mind: Christina Aguilera, Sting, Whitney Houston. But I think it’s between En Vogue and James Taylor. (Or Justin Timberlake)

MM: Favorite Spice Girl?

TK: Then or Now?

MM: For all time

TK: ALL TIME!?
Mel B.

MM: 5ive or BSB?

TK: What are you talking about? I don't even know who 5ive are anymore!

MM: But I'm sure they read your blog

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, what defines the term "Rudebox" to you?

TK: A Rudebox is an offense. A supreme offense. It is typically done out of pure malice often for the enjoyment of the offender and his crew. That, and probably a vagina.

MM: Well, AJ Kous, I’d like to thank you for allowing me into your world for the evening. I think we’ve all learned a little something.

TK: Please, Teo, the pleasure is all mine!

Overheard...

2008-02-23T03:43:00.001-08:00

Katie, on "Wild, Wild West" by Will Smith:

This song is so good. This WILL play at my wedding!

And Further Still

2008-02-21T02:10:00.000-08:00

After deciding to marry and choosing some wedding accents, Court and I have chosen a honeymoon locale. Bask, if you will (and I know you will), in the wonder that is French Polynesia:

Doesn't it look like the LOST island!?

This is where we'll stay:

I will dive directly off the balcony for morning swims (preferably with dolphins)

This shall be for Courtney's mid-morning naps:

Cabana boys must be prompt with cocktails to wake the sleeping bride.

And here's for my mid-afternoon naps:

I shall roll right out of it for my afternoon swims (preferably with sea turtles!)

We will stay for 2-5 weeks, or until we tire of it, whichever comes first. Don't you just love the idea of this?!

You know the best part? I don't even KNOW where French Polynesia IS!

We've Gone One Step Further

2008-02-20T19:32:00.000-08:00

So Court and I are really running with this marriage idea.

She's picked her ring (choose the second "matching band"). But I think she'd look better in this one (choose the third "matching band").

She picked this for me. But this seems much more my style. It's more subdued, you see.

If the wedding is at the Manse, her dogs will act as ring-bearers. But regardless of where it is the guests shall throw shavings of Thomas Haas' finest chocolate instead of rice. Oh, and he'll most definitely be doing the cake (it's the sixth and final cake in the picture cycle - the SEVEN tiered one)!

Now all I need is an anniversary gift before I divorce her for "irreconcilable differences."

Somewhere In Cyber Space...

2008-02-20T16:58:00.000-08:00

Courtney: omg haas does weddings
Courtney: marry me?
Me: for haas, I'd even fuck you on our honeymoon
Courtney: oh kous! i just single teared

Telly on Telly: R.I.(Sweet)P.

2008-02-15T02:31:00.000-08:00

It's been a good few months with this season's Project Runway designers. A memorable season indeed: the all-star guest judges (SJP, Cavalli, I hear Posh is judging the finals), firsts for menswear, prom dresses and wrestling wear, the constant model shifting (one week it's the girls, then a group of BOY models[!], then highschool girls, then newly-trimmed ex-fatties), and what I believe to be the greatest crop of talent the show has seen. Seriously, SO MANY of them are good! Nowhere near Season One when really the only exceptional ones were Jay and Kara Saun (oh, remember that ghastly Wendy Pepper? I loved her like no other!).

I mean, I guess they're comparable to the season two hopefuls, but maybe that's just because that was the most charismatic cast, with the BEST characters. I mean how can you ever beat Kara Janx, Zulema, the return of Daniel Franco (who, ps., I stood FIVE FEET away from at a music store last week), Dirty Diana and Guada-Loopy, not to mention the Gay Boys Club that was Santino, Andrae, Nick Verreos and my Love, Daniel V! In the immortal words of Michael Kors, "I'm a full-on Dan-Fan!"

But let's get real about what's happening here. We have some terribly talented designers churning out top quality work, one ridiculous challenge after another. And as far as I'm concerned these have been some of the most challenging challenges yet (I think my favorite was the hairstyle to avant-garde, avant-garde to mainstream challenge).

As for the final four: I love love love Jillian. She's adorable and talented and sweet and I think she has what it takes to win this show. Christian is a force to be reckoned with. The boy is supremely gifted. He has excellent skills, sharp and efficient skills, that have helped him to succeed in every challenge. There's no doubt in my mind that he will produce an outstanding collection for Fashion Week and he has potential to build a strong fashion empire. To be honest I have nothing to say about either Chris or Rami. I like them both. I don't really love them, but I like them and wish them well. (PS. Remember when Chris got kicked off already??)

The reunion episode airs next week and I can't wait to see Elisa and Kit! God I loved Kit. I remember during the prom episode they had this stupid texting poll during the commercial:
Who would you like to go to prom with?
A. Christian
B. Jillian
C. Kit
D. Rami
It's tough. They all bring something wonderful to the table. But I sincerely believe, right now, that I would have the best time - undoubtedly - with Miss Kit Pistol!

The Fashion Week Finale follows a week behind the Reunion next week. Wednesdays at 10 on Bravo.

Who would YOU take to prom??

Oh No!

2008-02-12T16:13:00.000-08:00

Look what Perez is reporting!!!!

I was literally thinking THIS WEEKEND that I wanted to get a Polaroid.

This is the end of an era... I'm upset. VERY upset.

30 Minutes Later

2008-02-12T01:11:00.000-08:00

My friend Matt and I were bumming around YouTube while online together (ok, that didn't seem lame until I put it in writing) and I found this little gem: a full half hour of 90s cartoon series intros!!!

It all started great with Tiny Toons (aka my heart), Animaniacs, Bonkers, TaleSpin, but GOOF TROOP!? Oh you gotta be kidding me! It took me right back to 1994, chilling on my flower-print sectional sofa. I was such a TV junkie then. So much has changed, right...?

Did you know there were THREE different Sonic the Hedgehog shows in the 90s?! And at least two Batmans? Also remember the evil David Xanatos and his desire to rid the world of Gargoyles?

Give this one a try if you, like me, desire to recapture a lost part of your youth (aka the hours you spent in front of the tube) and you have 30 minutes to burn.

Note: The shows get weirder and more obscure as you progress through the half hour. Or as Matt so eloquently put it, "Back To The Future was a cartoon??"

Overheard...

2008-02-11T11:47:00.000-08:00

Me, to my new friend Greg's rich friend Katie during a wine and board games party:

"PS. I hear you're rich."

Where The Hell Is Rachel McAdams?!

2008-02-06T19:58:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else been lying awake at night wondering where Rachel McAdams went? The Queen Bee of Mean Girls flew into my heart in The Notebook, tested her comedic chops in Wedding Crashers and then enjoyed some A-list company in the Christmas family drama The Family Stone (which I loved despite it's ridiculous contrivances). Then I think there was some thriller called Red Eye costarring Cillian Murphy (which I totally wanted to see, be tea dubs).

But...WHERE IS SHE NOW?? Shouldn't she be striking while the iron's hot? I mean she's practically 30 and she totally needs to reclaim her image after breaking up with Ryan Gosling!

She's so beautiful and charming. I mean LOOK AT HER! She's stunning! And TALENTED!!!

I miss you Rachel! Come back to me!

MacTotle

2008-02-06T00:56:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite pictures. It was taken aboard Vandal (aka Vondelle), a sleek and sexy antique yacht owned by the fine and fabulous Davis family.

The blond is Mackenzie, the younger of the Dynamic Davis Daughters (the older, of course, being Courtney, the best God Damn Hell Ass Queen I know). This picture so accurately captures her effervescent spirit. It also effectively displays her white sunglasses (Mack's a model. Believe it). I'm the one who's looking dead sexy in the striped shirt. Such a simply irresistible pair, aren't we?

Word on the street is Mack and her roomies have crash landed in the blogosphere. Who knows what havoc they'll wreak?

But seriously, don't we look great in that picture??

Forever Our Girl?

2008-02-04T02:08:00.000-08:00

As it happens, I didn't really mind Paula Abdul's performance at the Super Bowl. I thought the choreography was sorta great, and I think she has a terrible voice anyway, so it's probably best she lip-synced! Would have liked to see her move more...

Can you believe she could once do this?! Oh, god, it's just too fabulous! Other than the strange costume/set change in the middle this MUST be one of the best televised performances of the 80s, the 90s and today.

I Think I'm Lost: The Beginning Of The End

2008-02-02T03:13:00.001-08:00

(Um, I guess this is your spoiler alert!)

Four things:

1) I loved it, I love the future, yes, yes, I see it and I love it. I love how all the mysteries lying in the future are now lying in the past, with a whole new set of mysteries about the past...which was the future. The narrative really is contained or as Desmond put it "it's a bloody snowglobe!" There is something so sad about seeing Future characters. Just like Future Jack did with Jack, Future Hurley has chipped away at the fine and noble fabric that was Hurley, leaving only a deflated shell of a once great warrior. But Future is the new Past, so I'm ok with it.

2) Charlie. "I'm dead, but I'm here." And the other guy saw him, so he must really BE THERE. Right? Well, I suppose it is a mental institution... But let's think a moment on how this may further play into the Life/Death theme that seems to be becoming important. Let's remember that dead people often appear on the island. Let's remember Future Jack spoke of his father writing prescriptions and actually be upstairs at the hospital. Does the island manifest the dead both on and off the island? Is this a curse of all those unresolved and desperate? Apparitions? Heavy... (But for one second didn't you think that Charlie was still alive and at some point in the narrative they find a way of bringing him back, or it actually never really happened and he was fine all along? Just a thought)

3) Something happened. Something big. Future Jack referred to it when pleading with Future Kate: "I can't keep lying." Future Hurley assumed Future Jack thought he "went nuts and told them everything." Mistakes were made. Bridges were crossed. And burned.

4) Goddam you, THE OCEANIC SIX!?! You can't do that to me! This is the kind of shit that keeps me up at night. For the last 30 hours all I've been hearing running through my head is "I'm one of the Oceanic Six. Don't you know who I am? I'm one of the Oceanic Six!" Ok, so now we know how many come back. And thankfully we know half now: Jack, Kate, Hurley. I'm going to support my previous theories and say that John Locke was also one. This is because a strong part of me believes he was in that coffin. But given the recent legitimate schism, I don't know if Locke would even think about leaving the island. And besides just because someone came back doesn't mean the rest aren't still alive on the island. I mean, remember that scary black man who tried to take Hurley away. "Are they still alive?" 'They' could be anyone: the Hostiles, other survivors of the crash, hell, even the current invaders from Naomi's ship. ANYONE. Geez, knowing all your friends were having ridiculous action-adventures on a mystical island in the middle of nowhere and not being able to rejoin them must be really tough. Will, as Hurley predicted, the island find a way to bring them back? Can their mistakes be undone? Is a Lost island never found again or will the Oceanic Six live to fight another day? REGARDLESS, I can't believe this shit. I have to know and I have to know now. Talk about plaguing my thoughts! "I'm one of the Oceanic Six" is definitely the new "We have to go back, Kate! We have to go back"

I Think I'm Lost: The Future

2008-01-30T15:04:00.000-08:00

I just want to throw down some of my theories about what's going to be happening on LOST in this and the coming seasons. As we all know, it's practically impossible to predict what exactly will happen, but we also know that the theories are endless.

First of all, we know these people on Naomi's boat are not coming to save the survivors of Flight 815 and the big question being begged by the network is 'What are they there for?' I've thought for a long time about what exactly is on this island. What are the Hostiles, formerly the Others, protecting and why? What are these mysterious "island properties"? How did Locke get legs and how did Jin get sperm? My theory is that this island is the site of some sort of Fountain of Youth. It's a unique life source that cannot be discovered by the global public for fear of worldwide corruption.

I think Kate's pregnant with Sawyer's baby, but I think she's going to "take care of it", if you know what I mean. I think Sun's going to die and the crouching tiger/hidden dragon I've always known was inside of Jin will finally come out. He's going to go crazy and rip shit up all over the island, like the next Danielle Rousseau: a foreign recluse with a vendetta. I think Claire is going to leave on a helicopter with Aaron (probably early in the season), because I believe Desmond's visions are correct. I think the tension between Jack and Locke is only going to get worse. And I think Ben will die on the island.

Tomorrow's episode, entitled The Beginning Of The End, is going to be a whirlwind: new faces, new places, time traveling, darkness, running, jungle, maybe the return of some treacherous island creatures. I bet Island Time won't exceed one day if that, and the narrative won't progress in leaps and bounds. But it's going to be full of character development, rich with convention and it's going to do a superb job of, as it's title suggests, beginning the end of this fine series.

Tune in tomorrow at 8pm on ABC.

I Think I'm Lost: The Present

2008-01-30T14:28:00.000-08:00

Now that I have DVR my whole outlook on LOST has changed. As I find going week-to-week pretty close to torture, I am attempting an experiment. Because Patrick is going to be arriving here in LA in late February we've decided to wait, and well up the episodes that air between now and then, and watch them all in one fell swoop. My thought was 'Hey, I've waited 8 months so far, what's one more?'

Well, we've already broken this pact. We've both been invited and, in his case, forced to join LOST premiere parties tomorrow. We talked and decided that we shall attend the premiere and then practice the restraint we're both confident we have. My thought was 'Hey, I've waited 8 months so far, I deserve a little LOST!'

So I am totally and utterly, in every way possible, completely ecstatic about tomorrow night!! I am going to be meeting some new LOST fans (which is always great because you get to hear their thoughts and comments), have a tropical drink or two and let my mind begin racing again after it's been laying fallow for months!

But what about the month in between now and the end of February when Patrick arrives!? It's seriously going to be hard staying away from LOST episodes that are going to be recording on my own television! I'll just need something to do on Thursday nights, like knitting or basket weaving or card house building!

You can expect my thoughts on LOST's premiere episode later this week, but be wary of what you say to me about the show after that. I think I'm making the right choice.

What do YOU think??

I Think I'm Lost: The Past

2008-01-30T01:59:00.000-08:00

You may notice that I did not title this post Telly on Telly. That is because when I talk about LOST I am not speaking "on" it. I am speaking "of" it. This isn't Telly on LOST, it's Telly in LOST. This show completely consumes me like no other constructed narrative piece of writing and vision. I am in awe at its relentless ability to furnish such a unique feeling of, well, loss. It's the only time on television (or movies for that matter) when I get the overwhelming sensation of originality. It's like Jagerbombs of jouissance!

It all started when I began to feel left out. I had always heard LOST was great, and I never actively avoided it to be non-conformist (only to end up loving it, like I did with Titanic and Harry Potter), I had just never seen it. And I only knew it was about some people who crashed on an island, waiting to discover what the monster was. My friends would bring it up, ask each other questions and theories. I would always say, "Well aren't they just going to find another bigger scarier monster once they find out what this one is, until there are no more monsters to find?" They'd sorta stare at me blankly, ignore it and move on. I realize now it's not because what I'd said was wrong - that is, after all, how the show works - it's because I didn't know what I was talking about.

I thought I had had some exposure to shipwreck survival stories. I had read Lord of the Flies, at least enough of it to find out what the first "monster" was (not to mention the second and third) and the Swiss Family Robinson was pretty fresh in my mind - the first monster is finding food and shelter, second is exploration and the third is....pirates?? I don't know, I've never actually finished the story. Anyway, my point is that I was always a little skeptical of this new survival tale. I was convinced that it would follow a formulaic convention that already existed a million times over.

Oh, boy was I wrong. My friend Patrick sat me in front of his television one Sunday afternoon with a precious DVD box set of Season 1. He'd been a loyal fan of the show since Day 1, when he whimsically decided to watch it with a college roommate rather than fight the impending boredom of another school night. I had nothing to do for the next week so I knew this was my time. I watched two season, 44 episodes, almost 2000 nail-biting, mind-boggling, time-traveling minutes of LOST, in three days.

Sometimes I look back on those three days as a joyous and fruitful time for me. Other times I look back upon it as a curse. Patrick blessed me with a knowledge I never knew existed. But I've been doomed to lead a life of pure and utter confusion and, like Cassandra, it's as if I'm screaming to the heavens at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me! LOST is something different. I promise you it's nothing you've seen before.

The 4th Season of LOST begins tomorrow. If there's ever a time to start watching, it's now.

Try This: Not-So-Ho-Hummus

2008-01-28T14:03:00.000-08:00

You have to stop whatever you're doing right now. You have to get up and go to the nearest Trader Joe's (or your favorite Trader Joe's or the furthest Trader Joe's, what do I care?) and you need to buy the Tuscan White Bean Hummus.

I am going to forgo the abbreviation here: Oh my GOD! My cuz Sophia and I devoured half a container in about 15 minutes. It's a must-have go-to snack for any fridge, big or small, poor or rich. I just had it on my sandwich and I can't stop thinking about it.

Telly on Telly: Tell Me What You Don't Like About Yourself, or Why Kimber's The Best

2008-01-28T03:22:00.000-08:00

You know how there are those glorious moments in television when in a scene a character will just go there? They'll say or do something so offensive, absolutely uncalled for and totally Jem (read: truly outrageous) that it just gets all your juices flowin'? Like in Project Runway 2 when Zulema demanded a walk-off and stole Nick's model. Or, and this is a perfect example, Future-Jack's lament in the Season 3 Finale of LOST. It is always so wonderful when a show goes there. However, it's risky. Either it pumps new life into the show, enticing viewers more than ever, or it signifies the plot-point of no return: the proverbial shark jump. Now, imagine, if you will (and I believe you will) a show that perpetually and constantly - scene after scene, episode after episode, season after season - pushes the envelope, leaving its audience in knee-weakening awe! It exists. This show, ladies and gentlemen, is Nip/Tuck: a whirlwind of sex, lies and plastic surgery.

I'll admit it, because it keeps going further and further into outrageousness, my feelings for the show have sometimes been lackluster. Like Season 4, for instance. Julia and Sean getting back together and having the lobster-claw baby was a little unbelievable for me. For those of you that haven't seen it, babies with lobster-claws is the type of shit that comes up on this show.

But usually the outlandish plot twists are anything but lackluster. Highlights include the morbidly obese woman who spent so many years on her couch that her body began to absorb the upholstery. And there's the one with the gay guy and his fag-hag who were drunk and depressed and decided to shoot each other in the face, but she didn't shoot because she was too in love with him, but he did shoot and mangled her face, only to have her shoot and kill him years later right after she got the reconstructive surgery. And who can forget The Carver? Not a killer, but an image-driven, non-beauty crusader who tormented Miami by slicing plastic surgery patients across both cheeks, rendering their faces in a permanent smile! And, of course, there was the moment that started it all: Christian giving Julia, his best friend and business partner's wife, a "breast consultation" in her living room, in the FIRST EPISODE!!

It's not just what happens on the show that gets my blood pumping, it's what they characters say. I often find myself with my jaw on the ground, hands on my head in disbelief. Each character has such conviction, such weight when they speak. Sean so earnest and raw, Julia so severe and hard, Christian so calculated and rude. The acting is not always superb, but what the actors do is a superb job of bringing the scripts to life.

There's one character who shines more than any other, truly the brightest and most alluring gem atop the crown. She is the perfect 10 (an 8 before McNamara/Troy got their hands on her). She is Kimber Henry.

Kimber is the best. There is really no debate. Sure, I love Liz's candid, brash snarkiness and I certainly couldn't get enough of Ava, but Kimber? I mean, (as the darling Jenn Jarecki would say) there are just no words. She's ever-changing, yet graceful - a true model. Maybe it's because she's been touched up so many times, but she has this way of constantly reinventing herself. I mean, basically that's what this whole show does: every season it reboots itself, it starts back where it started, but everything's changed. Kimber is a perfect example of this. She goes from party girl to porn goddess, from housewife to meth addict not seamlessly, but with blaring distinction. Every time she reenters the plot she charges the show with the energy of a brand new white hot character. But she's always the same. You may not have read it here first, but Kelly Carlson dances brilliantly through the best recurring role on television.

Nip/Tuck is in its fifth season on F/X. McNamara/Troy has hit Hollywood, and I assure you it's all-new. Tuesdays at 10pm.

Try This: Dry is the New Wet

2008-01-09T22:47:00.000-08:00

In the last year my friend Patrick and I have stressed the importance of top quality. Lay's potato chips have been replaced by Kettle or Miss Vicki's, Hershey's chocolate with Thomas Haas and tea bags with loose leaf. After all, there's no other way to go.

As I have sworn off soda (except for on vacation and when mixing with booze) I have been longing for something to fill the void but still maintain my ridiculous standards. And I've found it...

DRY soda is perhaps the best libation that has passed these lips. It's smooth, it's simple and it's original! It comes in four very unusual flavors: lemongrass, rhubarb, kumquat and lavender. I know what you're thinking. "Lavender soda?! Sounds disgusting!" Well it's not. It's effervescent and it's not soapy or overpowering, and it's my favorite flavor. All of these flavors are subtle and soothing, with a hint of playfulness.

And they're practically guilt-free. One bottle contains either 50 or 60 calories, depending on the flavor, and is made up of only 4 ingredients! Beat that, Coca-Cola!

I get it at Whole Foods, so check it out there or visit the website (www.drysoda.com) for more info.

PS. What's exclusively high-brow in YOUR diet?

Jelly Beans

2008-01-09T01:19:00.000-08:00

How good are Jelly Belly jelly beans?! Only the best!

I love to pick out a bunch of colors that I know I'll like, then eat them blind! That way you don't know what to expect, but you know you're going to like it. It's like burning yourself a mix CD and then forgetting what order the songs are in.

Mmm!

The Reality Of The Situation: Red, White and (Black &) Blue

2008-01-08T00:56:00.000-08:00

The Office has been gone for weeks, Gossip Girls are dwindling and they've only made 8 episodes of LOST. This Writers' Strike is really beginning to take its toll, huh? But never fear, the networks are starting to greenlight all their most ridiculous and ratings-grabbing reality shows! Mmm, I loves me some good reality. Here's a few of my thoughts on the mid-season's best new reality.

Believe it, folks, American Gladiators is BACK!! I can't tell you how much I have been looking forward to this moment! As a young chap I can remember countless Saturday nights (sleepovers or otherwise) spent watching the ultimate sporting event that was AMERICAN GLADIATORS! And it's all here again: the red spandex, the blue spandex, the Gauntlet! My pulse is racing, my heart is pounding and as the announcer says "The biggest event of 2008 starts now!" (Hasn't 2008 only been just over a week long? What if something bigger comes along...? I doubt it).

If there's one distinction between the new American Gladiators (AG08) and the old one, it's size! EVERYTHING is bigger this time around: the hosts (Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali, who showed herself by rising up out of the floor through a sea of smoke), the gladiators, the games, the arena. It's all just huge!

The Gladiators are still just big brutes with ridiculous names (some highlights from the past include Turbo, Laser, Tower and Blaze) but this time around they have taken they're character portrayals to the next level. They completely embody...themselves.

Ok so here we go with the Gladiators:

Titan: He's clearly the Peter Perfect of the group: blond, clean, huge!

Crush: The best looking gladiator I've ever seen in my life. She's just beauuuuuutiful. She's like one of those fat pretty girls that keeps super fit. I love her.

Mayhem: Big, black and angry. He's literally the Scary Spice.

Stealth: Sorta looks like Jayda Pinkett Smith in an alternate reality.

Justice: Wasn't this guy's name just Mayhem...?

Siren: Ok. I like it. Striking red hair, sexy body. I see what you're getting at here.

Toa: OMG talk about embodying a character! This guy's done up like a Polynesian idol! Tattooed and bulging, Toa is a force.

Venom: Mmm mmm Venom! Can you say icing on the cake?!

Wolf: Wait, I lied. Toa doesn't ham it up nearly as much as this mangy looking beast. Kudos to you Wolfington!

Fury: Ok. I like what I see.

Militia: Ooooh so this is the gay porn star! Yikes. Muscles everywhere!

and last but never-in-a-million-years least....

HELLga! There are just no words.

On to the happenings: It really is just like the original. Just bigger (Again with this Bigger theme) Four contestants, two boys and two girls, compete in various events in order to gain points. There are two new events in AG08: Earthquake, a wrestling match suspended in the air on a toppling platform, and Hit & Run (aka Indiana Jones on crack) where contestants must run back and forth on a suspended bridge, each time earning 2 points, while 4 gladiators throw 100 pound pendulums in their way. It's brilliant!

And of course some of the old classics are back. My favorite: The Assault. Ok, the Assault has to be one of the most absurd inventions of the 20th century and it just reeks of the late 80s/early 90s. NERF BALL WARS!?! I mean, it's clearly the best. They have made the Assault a lot more difficult this time around: they have to load their own weapons and sometimes find their own ammo. NBC is not fucking around.

The points, I'm remembering, are for one thing and one thing only: a head start in The Eliminator. The Eliminator is exactly how it sounds: two people go in, and only one comes out. This Eliminator is about 1000 time more difficult than the last one and when it comes to obstacle courses, I don't think I've ever seen one this intense. They've obviously added water, because everything that can now has water, and they've extended the cargo net climb, which now come right out of the water (gotta be a killer!) but the thing that really blows my mind is the barrel roll!! The contestants have to wrap themselves around a horizontal column and roll down an incline to their next obstacle. You have to see it to believe it, and even then I still don't believe it!

It's hard to decide whether I love AG08 as much as the original. I mean Hulk's alright, and Laila had some choice lines ("You talked a lot of trash, but you backed it up, so congratulations!"), and it's absolutely wonderful to see that the Gladiators aren't going easy on the contestants. But, it just seems...cleaner, more focused. You know how the old Gladiators seemed like a gymnastics meet or a swim meet or something - there were people watching in this big room, and lots of stuff was happening all the time and the room was really well lit? Well it's not like that anymore. Our beloved competition is no longer a traveling show. It's on the Mainstage: lights, smoke, mirrors, editing, razzle-dazzle! And to be frank I don't really know how to feel about that.

Bottom line: I'm going to watch again, because there's nothing like seeing 4 beefy guys standing in a half-pipe while some pipsqueak bounces back and forth between them trying to make it to the other side!

The All-New American Gladiators is on NBC Mondays at 8PM.

PS. The only things I noticed that were smaller this time around were the Powerball balls and the Joust platforms. What did YOU see that was smaller this time around??

Mea Culpa

2008-01-04T12:36:00.000-08:00

The sole reason for this post is to apologize.

I'm sorry it's been so long since my last post. I'm sorry I haven't been a dedicated blogger. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

But there's good news:

I have a new computer!!!! She's beautiful and black and fits right in my lap and I love her. So, needless to say I have a reason/no excuse not to blog!

Prophecies, or I Can Tell The Future!

2007-11-14T12:22:00.001-08:00

Yesterday morning I had the most wonderful dream! I only really remember two images, but the dream was so full, I loved it!

The first image was of me opening a large door to a house, from the inside (I think the door was green). On the other side of the door was my college roommate Alex, except he was no longer the scruffy, youthful, frazzled-yet-charming boy who stayed up all hours of the night re-playing Halo 2 (twice) that I knew in college. He was a man. And what's more, he was not alone: He was holding a very young, blond girl in his arms (she had her arms around his neck), and there was a lovely lady standing next to him, holding the hand of another, slightly older blond girl. We immediately embraced. That's when I realized what was going on: after so long, I was meeting Alex's daughters for the first time (I had already met his wife at the wedding, years before). They were beautiful girls. Perfect and well behaved and wonderful.

I think I had me a significant other as well, so the second image was of the four grown-ups (and maybe the girls, I really can't be sure) sitting around my (stunning) dining room table eating a large bird I had just roasted. We were laughing and talking and reminiscing. Oh, how wonderful it was for me and _____ to see Alex and _____ again!

And then I woke up.

The dream made me excited about growing up. I saw and felt that after so long and with the addition of 4 people we don't even know yet, Alex and I were still the same people. We could still sit with each other and be entertained and not feel strange about the time that had passed between us. It was such a comfort to me after the fitful night of sleep I'd just had.

I can't wait to meet your beautiful babies, Alex! Maybe now you'll name one after me??

My Lady

2007-11-14T11:41:00.000-08:00

Tonight marks my last night in Vancouver. I've had last nights in Vancouver before, so this one seems a little bit easier, more usual. My friends I'll keep, the furniture I'm taking, history and memories I've got, so I'm beginning to realise the thing I'll miss most about living in Vancouver is my one and only: La Condesa.

For those of you who don't know, La Condesa (Spanish for The Countess) is the name of my quaint little 1950's eight-suite apartment building. She has a pink stove and a pink oven. She looks out towards the South because she loves the sunshine. She's a bit of a hypochondriac so she lives right across the street from the hospital. She's got a quiet, breezy little roof deck and basically I just love her!

She has sheltered many special people - from Caitlin Campbell to Tanya Black, from Stefanie Schussel to Gabi Jirasek, from Navid Mozaffarian to Elise Freeman - and her warmth has been felt by all.

It's particularly sad to leave her now; things aren't going well for my Lady these days. She's had a couple break-ins. And the dumpster divers' clanging bottles keep her up at night. She's leaking and cracking and creaking and old. I know that, in time (ten years tops), she will no longer be, and a more stylish, greener, taller building will be in her place. So I fear this may be the last time I lay eyes upon her boxy form, her modest front lawn, her exhilarating entryway mosaic.

Ok, so I know the people taking over my suite, which means I may actually end up seeing her again, but in the spirit of romanticism: She shall e'er live on in my heart as the coziest post-collegiate hearth and home I've doth known. From now on, I shall shelter her memory, as she once sheltered my bosom and heart...

To La Condesa!

Be My Guest: Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Cheesecake

2007-11-14T09:56:00.000-08:00

Hello folks,

I would like to introduce to you my newest segment: Be My Guest. This is where I feature an entry from a guest blogger who really captures the essence of the Ultimate TJ Kous. The below was written by my sister, known in the blogging world as Crumpets. Enjoy.

(ps. if you ever want to be featured in Be My Guest let me know, we'll talk!)

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Cheesecake

In honor of the Ultimate TJ Kous’s imminent return to the land of his birth, I dedicate this blog to the one and only institution that celebrates the very best and worst of what America has to offer: The Cheesecake Factory.

If you’ve never been to The Cheesecake Factory (or what I will henceforth refer to as CheeFa, a liberty I feel comfortable taking due to my self-appointed blogger status) I’d say stop what you’re doing right now (well, finish reading this first), begin a competitive eating training regiment in order to sufficiently stretch your stomach (cause, believe me, it’s not ready), get yourself to the nearest CheeFa location and prepare to taste the flavors of red, white and blue.

I don’t care if you are now or have ever been a member of the Communist Party. To not love CheeFa is as un-American as it gets. What’s not to love is what’s not to hate: the oversized portions; the appropriation (read: bastardization) of foreign cuisines; the sheer amount of booths in the restaurant (oh, the booths!); the mechanized corporate-speak of the servers (up-sell, up-sell, up-sell); the endless tome of a menu.

Being handed the multi-laminated-page menu, in all its spiral-bound glory is both the most exciting and daunting moment of the experience. Yes, I have some tried and true favorites (Grilled Chicken and Avocado Club, Luau Salad, Barbeque Ranch Chicken Salad, Chinese Chicken Salad), but the pressure is always on to CHOOSE SOMETHING NEW. Will I like the Barbeque Chicken Pizza? Will the Crusted Chicken Romano taste as delicious as it sounds? Will the Fresh Fish Tacos be messy to eat? Is it lame to order The Factory Burger since I could get that at another restaurant? Does it make sense to order Spicy Cashew Chicken at CheeFa when I could get it at the Chinese restaurant on the corner? These questions plague me, to the point of causing displeasure (Yes! I said it, displeasure at the Cheesecake Factory! It does exist.)

This ordering process too closely resembles my everyday life, the life full of opportunity and choice, the life I’m afforded just by virtue of the fact that I AM AMERICAN. It is my job, in some cases my duty, to choose, and I just so happen to be one of those people who think they want a little taste of everything and ends up always ordering the very same thing.
The ultimate question is: Do I enjoy my Luau Salad any less just because I order it every single time?

Or, wait, is it: Should I just order the Factory Burger if I want it?

Or: If Obama or Clinton wins the Democratic nomination will we be stuck with another
Republican president?

(Should I just move back to Canada?)

No matter how painful the experience may be I go back for one reason and one reason alone: I love me a big portion. And, I don’t mean this as any sort of metaphor for being American (I want a three-car garage and the cars to fill it!). I mean exactly what I say. I walk through those doors, in cites from Marina del Rey to Boston, MA, into the bustling, cavernous, sanctuary because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I will be presented with the largest single portion of food I can find at any restaurant, and I will walk out of that restaurant more uncomfortably full than imaginable. And, though I will feel like the fattest person in the room as I depart, I’m comforted by one steadfast rule: I will never be the fattest person in the room. This is America, after all.

For now, I’m thankful there is no CheeFa in New York City (I can barely decide which Chinese food place on the corner I should order from). But, perhaps it is in these moments when I venture outside the city where I dwell, deeper into the land of the free and the home of the brave, and find myself holding a menu with ads and 33 types of cheesecake (one called 6 Carb, made with Splenda!) that I become the very best version of myself, the one who is about to stand for something, right or wrong, rich or poor, fries or a salad. It doesn’t matter what I choose, it’s that I have no choice but to choose, and therefore I am all that I can be as I look up into the imploring eyes of the server who asks, “What’ll it be?”

The Afterblog

2007-11-10T17:05:00.000-08:00

You Canadians out there (and possibly some Americans) know all about the Hills Aftershow with Jessi and Dan from MTV Canada. Well, even though I hate it, my friends Marty P and Emma VII dressed up as them for Halloween. Their costumes were magnificent, and they defintely won the award for Most In-Character costume - they never broke. It was actually kind creepy... Anyway, like it does, news spread (as did pictures) and Jessi and Dan (ps. Dan Levi is Eugene's son!) personally invited the girls to join them via webcam on The Aftershow November 19th!

How terribly avant-garde!

Good luck girls. I'll YouTube it.

Telly on Telly: O'er Hills and Dale

2007-11-07T22:47:00.000-08:00

I just don't get it. Last week everyone from Patrick Conn to Perez Hilton was absolutely baffled by The Hills. People have been all abuzz about LC's nail polish, Audrina's lack of a job, "and did you know that they don't even live in the apartment anymore?" I only have one thing to say to all these people who are completely dumbfounded with the construction of MTV's best reality program:

NO DUH!

The first clue (and this was in the first episode people!) was that the month The Hills premiered on MTV Lauren Conrad herself, the newly hired intern at Teen Vogue, graced the cover of that same mag. Ummmm.... I don't know about you, but where I come from lowly interns are not covergirls. Correct me if you know otherwise.

OF COURSE IT'S FAKE! Everything from the places they eat to the jobs they have, from the clubs they party at to the people they meet is constructed by the producers. Let's take, for instance, the arrival of Brody and Spencer on the scene. These yokels (fresh from their canceled attempt at reality stardom The Princes of Malibu) just happen to become friends with Lauren and Heidi and weasel their way into the realm of celebreality? Uh uh. They have agents too...

I did an interesting thing last month. Having just admitted that I enjoy The Hills but never having seen Laguna Beach, I decided to watch the first two seasons. I did not watch to be entertained, however. I watched with an analytical eye and let me tell you, the structure is very much there. It's pretty much blinding when you look for it. You should try it: go back and watch these shows. Imagine if MTV came to your highschool and selected the most interesting and beautiful creatures to be filmed. I'm sure it would more than resemble Laguna.

The brilliance, though, in all these shows (I include The Hills, LB, Maui Fever and 8th & Ocean in the same category) is that, unlike traditional reality programs, they do not feature any confessionals. Never once does LC break the fourth wall and explain to us what she's thinking. There's no recognition from any of these hacks that they're being filmed! And this ultimately streamlines the narrative of the show, so that Lauren Conrad is no longer some girl from Orange County who's an aspiring fashion designer, she's LC, former roommate of Heidi, ex-girlfriend of Jason, just another piece of the narrative puzzle. They're characters now, not people.

Where is The Hills going to go from here? Now that the secret's out what will happen to the livelihood of the show? Will we still watch? Has it lost it's appeal? Do we care what happens now that we know it's not actually happening?

In a related/unrelated point, I want to clear the air and let you know what "team" I'm on. You know how it is - Team Heidi, Team Lauren, the wildcard Team Audrina... To be honest, I don't really care all that much. All I know is Lauren was hurt and Heidi and Spencer are worthless. I know Audrina's not a true friend and to be honest, I can't spend too much time thinking about (or spending time with) any of these people. So, from this day forward I form TEAM LO - for all those who throw sass, and only stop in every couple of weeks for the party, for those of us who've know LC from the beginning and stick around because we love her, and (most importantly) for those who judge harshly without hesitation or concern for feelings. Long live LO!

What team are YOU on?

In conclusion I am going to leave you with my true feelings: At the end of the day, I don't really like The Hills...

I love it.

Telly on Telly: The List

2007-11-07T16:46:00.000-08:00

I realized this weekend (with the help of fellow bloggers) that I should publish my list here on the blog so that you folks can know what to expect, or even suggest items on the list you'd like me to blog about!

Here she is, in no particular order:
Lost
The Tudors
Jamie At Home
Everyday Italian
Forever Summer
Nigella Feasts
Giada's Weekend Getaways
Top Chef
Project Runway
Nip/Tuck
Big Love
Six Feet Under
Entourage
Sex and The City
Da Ali G Show
Ugly Betty
Ed vs. Spencer
The Powerpuff Girls
So You Think You Can Dance
Tracey Takes On...
The Golden Girls
My Super Sweet 16
The Sarah Silverman Program
Match Game
Full House
Recess
Arrested Development
8th & Ocean
Jonny Quest
Maui Fever
Absolutely Fabulous
Seinfeld
The Naked Truth
Soul Train
Gossip Girl
Once and Again
Saved By the Bell
What Not To Wear
Punk'd
The Simpsons
Wacky Races
Aeon Flux
Strangers With Candy
Jeopardy!
Anything with The Duggar Family
Dance 360
The Magic School Bus
Weeds
The Colbert Report
Yo Momma
Lingo
Engaged and Underage
Party of Five
Planet Earth
Stella
Flavor of Love
The Hills
Avatar: The Last Airbender
The Fabulous Life Of...
Tiny Toon Adventures
Cheaters
Neon Genesis Evangelion
Wonder Showzen
The Office
Little Britain
Mad Men
Cashmere Mafia
Jon & Kate Plus Eight
Chelsea Lately
Summer Heights High
Brothers & Sisters
The Biggest Loser
The Riches
The Girls Next Door
Melrose Place
Unscripted
The Comeback

...But It's Not My Fault

2007-11-01T17:04:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while since I posted and for this I am sorry, but let me just explain!

I got robbed - nay, BURGLED - last Saturday and the bastard took my laptop and my ipod (along with my roommates' computer, ipods, and jewelery). So now I have no computer to blog on! Normally this wouldn't seem like a problem given that I sit around BedCetera all day and have plenty of time to blog during the workday. But alas, we've been hiring people like crazy and for the last two weeks I've been training new recruits. I would be setting a bad example if I bummed around on the internet all day.... work's much harder when you actually have work to do!

You may be wondering how I am blogging right now.....I have deceived my coworkers into thinking I am making a To Do list for tomorrow, but really I'm not! They're chatting right next to me and have no idea!

Please don't lose faith in the Ultimate TJ Kous! I promise you I will be back with a vengeance after this weekend (I'm hoping to reap my birthday present [a new laptop] from my parents when I meet them in NYC). I'm sorry (particularly Warren and Lauren), but it's not my fault!

Excuse me, but I've got a To Do list to write.

Telly on Telly: Introduction

2007-10-24T22:38:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry it's been so long since my last post. I know a lot of you loyal readers out there have been holding your breath. Or is that breaths?

You may have noticed my facebook profile recently. I usually like to mix up my personal info on my profile: change my interests to these really trivial and funny things I've been thinking about, write down the movies I've recently seen in theatres, just keep it fresh and simple, always changing, never too long, you know? But all that's changed now. I'm making a list. The one list that will define so much of who I am now and who I have been all my life. I am making my ultimate, mega, supra list of favo(u)rite television shows. One that continues to grow, and will until the day I die.

I don't know why I started it, but it's a part of my life now. I frequently find myself in the middle of something that should be requiring my complete attention (like sleep) and I'll stop everything when I remember that I've always loved Tiny Toon Adventures (and always will) and it's not on the list yet. (Don't worry it's there now)

I have mentioned a small number of these shows already (Avatar, The Tudors) but over the next few weeks I would like to introduce you to some of the gems of my list and perhaps explain to you why the show made the list and what makes me love it!

I will be calling this series Telly on Telly. Enjoy.

A Dream, That Came Through a Million Years

2007-10-15T18:04:00.000-07:00

I'm having a stars-aligned moment right now. It's like all these really important things in my life have become pieces to this giant puzzle that's always been right in front of me, I just hadn't looked at it the right way:

My interest in Greek mythology. That time I was twelve and discovered disco music, and subsequently became a crusader for its everlasting life. My love of musicals on both stage and screen. Postmodernism, the adsurd and ironic pieces of art. My secret crush on Gene Kelly, who will always be the best. My recent discovery of and obsession with ELO. How "Hopelessly Devoted to You" is my favourite song from Grease and is (up until now) the jewel atop the bedazzling tiara that is Olivia Newton-John's career. How I strive to cultivate a world of varied and eclectic dance styles. Disco Night at the Commodore, and how that shaped the way I define a nightclub. These pieces of me, they've all appeared to me in a vision. This vision is known only as...

XANADU!

And a Happy Happy Birthday To...

2007-10-13T14:50:00.000-07:00

WARREN SCHINDLER!

My dearest, bestest friend, since the fourth grade! Every year it's a two day extravaganza of fun, friends and celebration.

Have a good one today, Warren! You deserve it!

Happy Birthday To...

2007-10-12T09:47:00.000-07:00

Nick Cobb
My Uncle Chris
The lovely Dr. Susan Corso
Chris Fairweather
Bizzy Herman
James Esdaile
J. Po!
Laurel Fryer's Dad
Laurence Senelick, if I'm not mistaken
That crazy lady that was in the store earlier this week
Pavaroti, but he's dead

...AND ME!!

Sometimes I think it's more special to share the day!

The Good Ol' Days

2007-10-10T23:15:00.000-07:00

Remember when your facebook profile displayed the day you joined right below your birthday? Remember when you could be a "groupie," which meant that you weren't in a particular group, but you were totally a fan? Remember when facebook was just for college students? Remember when Notes became a new application?

I'm so totally sick of getting lame "vampire requests" from people I hardly even really know. Or "likeness quizzes." Or zombie bites. I mean, seriously. Are we really giving each other virtual zombie bites in a virtually public place where everyone we know and are even remotely connected to can see and judge?

Don't get me wrong; I have a couple applications (the video application doesn't count because it's practical). I have the Chess application. This is so that I can intellectually rival my peers in a classic and internationally respected way. I also recently added the Harry Potter Spell Casting application, or something like that. This is purely so I can pretend that I go to Hogwart's and got sorted into Ravenclaw with my friend Brendan and all the other sparklingly clever peers we have and that lovely crest can be emblazoned next to my wall for all to see and covet.

So far the crest is working. I really love rubbing my intelligence, wit and non-conformity in the faces of all those wannabes that sorted themselves into Gryffindor in the hopes of pretending that their bitter, desperate little lives are better because they are that much closer to being like Harry Potter. Pssht...get over it!

The Chess application is terrible. It does the opposite of the Ravenclaw crest: I've lost 2 of 2 games and I'm pretty good at chess! I think it's because the games take place over many days. And I only get my moves in in between wall posts or photo creeps, so I'm never really concentrating. And I'm always rushed because I'm afraid my boss or coworkers will find me playing games by means of the online community they clearly know I'm dependent on. Needless to say, the chess ain't working out for me.

All in all, I'd say facebook was better when I didn't have to make five and a half complete mouse-wheel rotations before getting to someone's wall.

Oh well, such is life.

PS. If I went to Hogwart's I'd major in Charms. My double minor would be in Transfiguration and either Potions or Divination.

What would YOU major in at Tom Riddle's Alma Mater?

Thanks Lizzy!

2007-10-09T20:44:00.000-07:00

WALLA WALLA!

The King of Tuesday Night

2007-10-09T14:14:00.001-07:00

I get really excited when I think about all the good TV out there. I guess my name is Telly for a reason. I'm sitting here at work, doing my menial tasks, checking facebook, answering the phones, etc, but the only thing I'm thinking about is Jonathan Rhys Meyers!

The Tudors, Showtime's historical extravaganza based on the early life of King Henry VIII just premiered last week here in Canada. Ooooooooh boy is it ever good! It's lavish, and proper, and everyone in it is beautiful. They have nudity and war and adultery and prayer and SAM NEILL!!

I used to hate history, but since mainstream popular culture has started integrating historical dramas into the mix I've been all about it. It may also be the actual degree I got in Art History, which is, although I didn't want to admit it, half history, that insighted the intrigue.

Either way, I can't wait to find out what happens next. When we left Harry and his court he had decided to unite Europe with this new-fangled idea called a treaty. And it's decided: I will tune in this week, and for the following 8 weeks, to see how the story unfolds. Either that or just pick up a history book.

The Tudors is on CBC Tuesdays at 9PM.

Puzzler Solution

2007-10-09T14:08:00.000-07:00

Didn't get a lot of guesses or attempts at the puzzler, but congrats are in order for the winners!

That's right. Multiple winners because there were actually multiple solutions:

One/Two
Question/Answer

Congrats to my sister Anastasia for getting the One/Two and to Miss Elizabeth Oxler for getting Question/Answer. Lizzy got it in 2 minutes. I am impressed.

Perhaps you folks out there can help me with Mr. Shortz' current puzzle:

There is an American city. It has 2 words with a total of 10 letters. Add the letter A to the beginning of the word. Add the city's 2-letter state code to the end of the word. Now the word is a palindrome.

What is the city?

I actually don't know the answer to this one, so post guesses. Thanks!

Puzzler

2007-10-06T20:40:00.000-07:00

I downloaded a bunch of podcasts last night (it's free entertainment!) and among the bunch were recordings of NPR's puzzle show with Will Shortz, the man behind the NY Times crosswords. This was one of them:

Name two words, commonly phrased together (like night/day). The first word has a w sound without actually having a w. The second word has a silent w. What are the two words?

Don't cheat. Or cheat, whatever, I cheat all the time.
Think on it. I'll be back with an answer.

In the Air Tonight

2007-10-06T16:04:00.001-07:00

My friend Katie sent me a great early morning text the other day:

I dreamt last night that you were the Greek God of Wind. You had so much fun when you
found out!

Katie very clearly knows me well because, um, I would LOVE that! I tried to imagine what I did in her dream. I obviously have no idea, so instead I pondered on what I think I would actually do if deemed God of Wind by Zeus himself. What would be my first course of action? I honestly think that, regardless of who I was with or what I was doing, I'd just be off. I'd conjure the might of one thousand wailing hurricanes to lift me right up off the ground, hurling me into my new domain. I'd dip, I'd dive, I'd swerve and sail! For hours and hours and hours, never tiring of it. Katie was right. When I found out, I had SO MUCH FUN!!

If you don't watch Avatar: The Last Airbender you're severely missing out. It's perhaps the best show on television and it excites me practically as much as LOST, and if you know how much I have LOST that's saying something.

It tells the tale of a foreign world, not too unlike the ancient Far East, which has been torn apart by war. It used to be a peaceful land, governed by the Avatar - a reincarnating soul who possesses the ability to bend (ie. control) all four elements, mostly by means of amazingly sweet moves. The Avatar(this time around he's a young airbender named Aang) mysteriously goes missing. The Fire Nation takes this opportunity to invade its neighbouring people - the Earth Kingdom - eliminate an entire race of people - the Air Nomads - and, as the show opens, is on the brink of attacking the Water Tribes of the North and South Poles. 100 years pass before Aang is discovered frozen in ice with his 6-legged, 10 ton flying bison Appa. He is the last airbender.

Airbending is sweet, let me tell you. I texted Katie back:

So basically I was Aang.

She writes:

This was no BENDING! You were a greek GOD!

I sat for a second and thought about what that meant. Sure, Aang can manipulate his element, he can ride on the wind and use it how he likes. But when you're a God of something you ARE that something!

I AM ARISTOTLE, WIND INCARNATE. I AM THE BREEZE THAT WARMS, I AM THE TORNADO THAT DEVISTATES. FEEL MY WRATH AND I SHALL SHOW MERCY!

Ah, it's nice up at the top.

What would you want to be the Greek God(dess) of?

Think on that and have a Happy Thanksgiving all you Canadians!

Ta!

ps. Avatar is on Nickelodeon, Fridays at 8:30pm. It's in its third season, but the first two are, naturally, available on DVD. Enjoy it!
TJ.

And so it begins...

2007-10-04T17:12:00.001-07:00

Hello Big Wide World,

T.J. Kous here, with your ultimate guide to all things Totle.

First I want to give a special shoutout to Mr. Teo McInnis for his inspiration. The world goes 'round cuz of people like Matty, so kudos to him!!

Yikes, two Russians just came into the shop (I work at this little furniture store that sells mainly futons and mattresses) and I felt like they might kill me. I was looking for tattoos under their shirts. Didn't see any. One looked at me with daggers in his eyes as he left. Had a scar on his lip. They were actually very nice gentlemen. It's just that Viggo's still so fresh in my mind.

Speaking of the store I gave my resignation yesterday. And I counted today on the calendar. I only have thirty days left!!! Hoping to get a few of them off though. Can't wait to get out of here though and move back in with my parents where the food is free and the TV costs more than I've made since I left college. But sooner or later they're bound to get on my nerves. Only time will tell.

Ta!